WHO MOVED MACHISMO?
SatireWire's Review of Books, Fall, 2000

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR PARAMILITARY? by Martha Stewart and Daniel Noriega

In this bestseller about getting the career you want, Stewart and Noriega argue that the formula for finding the right job boils down to three simple questions: What do you want to do? Where do you want to do it? Are you willing to lead a violent uprising against a repressive dictatorship in order to achieve it? Filled with practical advice, What Color even includes "swatch charts" that will increase the chances that your insurrection will be taken seriously. Good: black, red, dark green, khaki. Bad: canary yellow, misty rose, mint cream, cinnamon.

OmniNista Books, $24.95

THE 7 HABITS OF HIGH, EFFECTIVE PEOPLE by Kevin Barmy

How is it that some people — people who you know are stoned half the time, and passed out the other half — can still hold down careers, have meaningful relationships, and lead happy lives? The classic Seven Habits explains in detail how to balance your career and personal goals by carefully balancing your intake of both alcohol and narcotics. Some of the chapters:

¤ Put First Things First: Every morning, ask yourself "How much can I imbibe or inhale before becoming unintelligible?"

¤ Think Win/Win: Success cannot be achieved at the expense or exclusion of others. Share your success. Remember, if everyone around you is high, then everyone will think you're doing a good job.

¤ Begin with an End in Mind: Start with a clear destination. Where do you want to go? The bathroom? The refrigerator? Fucking Mars, man? Once that's established, decide how to get there by understanding where you are now: Somebody's closet? Face-down on the coffee table? Fucking Venus, man?

¤ Seek the Positive: If your paycheck won't enable you to reach your short-term hallucinogenic goals, buy half of what you need now, and spend the other half of the check on Powerball tickets.

¤ Synergize and Simplify: Can your dealer, your spouse, and your principle business contact be one and the same person? Give it a shot.

High Times Books, $19.95 (Rolled Paperback only)

THE ONE SECOND MANAGER by Spencer Johnson

The follow-up to his best-seller, The One Minute Manager, Johnson's One Second Manager synthesizes the most important and salient management practices, procedures, and objectives into three remarkably effective and concise words: "Lunch, or golf?"

Zeitgeist Books.com, $2.95 per download

SECOND, BREAK ALL THE WINDOWS by Marcus Buckingham, Curt Coffman, and Courtney Love

In their follow-up to the best-selling First, Break All the Rules: What the World's Greatest Managers Do Differently, Coffman and Buckingham get wildly drunk on their success and trash every hotel room on their nationwide book tour with the help of Hole lead singer Courtney Love.

Free with any Estee Lauder Purchase; otherwise $21.95

WHO MOVED MACHISMO? by Miguel Rodriguez

In this inspirational, ethnic version of Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese, we meet a pair of chauvinistic Hispanic mice and learn how they deal with change in an increasingly multi-ethnic environment. Living in a small box, the mice spend their days watching MTV and making nasty, jingoistic comments about Jennifer Lopez, who is engaged to rapper Puff Daddy, a known non-Hispanic.

In the end, this parable teaches us that Ms. Lopez is beyond the reach of the mice, not because she prefers non-Hispanics, but because she is a human and they are just a pair of mice living in a box.

Best if Read by 10/21/02, $24.95

MY DAMN BUSINESS, MY DAMN WAY by Bobby Knight

In this new release, former Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight offers management tips on everything from employee relations ("Choking is never appropriate when cameras are present"), to organizational titles ("Remember, you're Coach, they're twerps"), to office furniture ("Use the side of your foot, not your toes, when kicking a chair.")

Indiana State Univ. Press, Free with College Application

THIRD, COURTNEY LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR FACE by Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman

In their follow-up to Second, Break All the Windows, Coffman and Buckingham explain how even wildly successful book authors need to understand that there is never, ever a good time to make a pass at Courtney Love, even if it's late at night and you're completely lacquered and she is passed out and naked on the bed in your hotel room.

Spice Channel (check local listings)

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