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Wednesday October 22nd 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

JESUS RETURNS, BEATLES REUNITE, A-BOMB DESTROYS CHINA, ISRAEL AND PALESTINE AT PEACE, MICROSOFT TAKES OVER INTERNET, BUT ALL ANYBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IS THE STUPID ELECTION

“Fine. We Give Up. We’ll Talk About the Election Too,” Says SatireWire Editor

JERUSALEM, PALESTINE (SatireWire.com) – In a string of unprecedented events during the past several weeks, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, a massive atomic bomb killed 1 billion people in China, the Beatles, with John Lennon, reunited for a concert at Shea Stadium, Israel and Palestine signed an historic peace agreement, and Microsoft took over control of the Internet, but all anybody wants to talk about is this damn presidential election.

“I have been back since Nov. 8 and I can’t get a lick of press coverage,” said Jesus, who returned in a blaze of heavenly glory 24 hours after the U.S. polls closed. “Talk about bad timing.”

Nearby, in the West Bank town of Hebron, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian President Yasser Arafat signed a peace agreement ending decades of conflict. The document, which designated Jerusalem as the capital of Palestine and required Israelis and Palestinians alike to convert to the same religion – African Methodist – was unanimously approved by hawks and doves on both sides. However, at a press conference called for the signing, only two reporters showed up. “They asked me if I knew anyone who’d sent in an absentee ballot,” said a clearly agitated Arafat.

Officials from the International Red Cross had slightly more luck garnering attention for the tragedy in China, where a massive nuclear blast killed nearly 1 billion people last week. “We sent out telegram after telegram, made phone call after phone call, and no one cared until we sent out a press release stating the 1 billion number was unofficial and we were demanding a recount,” said IRC spokesperson Amanda Boatwright.

The Independent of London, whose headline yesterday read “The Disunited States of America,” relegated news of Lennon’s reanimation and the Beatles reunion to a three paragraph brief near the back of the paper. “We had an editorial meeting about it, and we decided that the Beatles reunion was not as important as the chance to disparage America, so we chose the latter,” explained editor Lance Barnsley.

Due to interest in the Gore-Bush recount, only 17 people showed up for the Beatles’ concert at New York’s Shea Stadium. Nonetheless, said Paul McCartney, “We couldn’t hear ourselves in the monitors. They were all screaming about the election.”

News out of Redmond early Sunday that Microsoft had taken over the Internet while nobody was looking did manage to catch the attention of several U.S. newspapers. “The world should be outraged by this development,” wrote the San Jose Mercury News in an editorial. “With Microsoft in control of the Internet, Bill Gates will have an undue influence over how the election and recount are covered.”

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