“(The) People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals deplored the experiments as well as the possible use of remote-controlled rats.” — Associated Press, May 4, 2002
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Under withering fire from animal rights activists, who blasted the Pentagon’s plan to fit live rats with electrodes so they could be steered toward hidden bombs or disaster victims, the U.S. Defense Department today promised that actual rats will not be used.
Instead, said Pentagon spokesman Art Kekich, the military will use baby chicks surgically altered to look like rats.
More to follow…
Update: 7:53 a.m. Note correction
PENTAGON INSISTS CHICKS NOT BEING USED
Washington, D.C. — Vilified by animal rights groups for its new plan to use live, remote-controlled, rat-like chicks to find explosives and rescue disaster victims, the U.S. Defense Department today said it had been misquoted.
“We are not using baby chicks. We would never use baby chicks,” said Pentagon spokesman Art Kekich. “We’ll be using week-old kittens.”
In response, Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said surgically altering kittens was “possibly more horrific than using chicks.”
Replied Kekich: “So then, what’s the issue? The anesthesia?”
Update: 8:06 a.m.
UNDER FIRE, PENTAGON CLARIFIES RAT-KITTEN PROGRAM
Washington, D.C. — With outrage from animal rights groups worsening, the Pentagon today clarified its remote-controlled-kittens-mutated-into-rats program, saying it had never intended to use live kittens.
Instead, explained U.S. Defense Department spokesman Art Kekich, the kittens would be dead.
In response, Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), threw up.
Bulletin: 8:14 a.m. Updates previous story.
PENTAGON BACKS DOWN ON RAT-KITTEN PROGRAM
Washington, D.C. — With ethics and humanitarian groups still up in arms, the Pentagon today said it would abandon plans to use dead kittens altered to resemble rats for its remote-controlled-animal surveillance project.
Instead, said spokesman Art Kekich, the program will go back to using rats with electrodes attached to their brains. However, Kekich added, whenever an explosive or disaster victim is found, rescuers will club a baby sea otter.
In response, Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, shot Pentagon spokesman Art Kekich.
Update: 8:27 a.m.
OTTERS SAVED UNDER AMENDED ROBOT RAT PROGRAM
Washington, D.C. — Attempting to fend off further violence from animal rights activists, the U.S. Defense Department today said it will not club baby sea otters as part of its remote-controlled-rat surveillance project, but will instead go back to the original plan and include just the rats.
However, hoping to appease its critics, the Pentagon pledged to go to great lengths to treat the rodents humanely.
“Under our new guidelines, the rats won’t be asked to rescue every victim,” said spokesman William Longley. “They can just maybe point out the healthy ones. We’ll let them eat the others.”
In response, the Pentagon press corps threw up.
Clarification: Editors please note. 8:42 a.m.
PENTAGON AMENDS CONTROVERSIAL
ROBORAT RESCUE PROGRAM
Washington, D.C. — Failing to fend off swarming critics, the Pentagon today amended the guidelines for its remote-controlled rat program. According to spokesman William Longley, any person trapped, regardless of injury status, will now have to wait until they are dead before being rescued.
Bulletin. Update: 9:02 a.m..
PENTAGON MAKES MAJOR CHANGE IN RAT PROJECT
Washington, D.C. — Reacting to an outcry from animal and victims rights advocates over its remote-controlled-animal surveillance program, the U.S. Defense Department today said it has fired spokesman William Longley.
In response, the Pentagon press corps ate a koala.
Update: 9:44 a.m.
PENTAGON SPOKESMAN MAKES STARTLING ALLEGATIONS
Washington, D.C. — In a shocking tell-all book, former Pentagon spokesman William Longley alleges that the U.S. Defense Department originally intended to use remote-controlled disaster victims, not rats, to undertake dangerous missions such as uncovering buried bombs or disaster victims.
In response, Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), said that would have been fine.
Final Update: 10:10 a.m.
PENTAGON DENIES ALLEGATIONS IN NEW BOOK
Washington, D.C. — At an emergency press conference today, the Pentagon vehemently denied it planned to use people to help find explosives or disaster victims, and insisted the technology to control human movements by remote was not possible.
In response, the Pentagon press corps twitched violently, stood up, sniffed the air, and ate PETA President Ingrid Newkirk.
A Defense Department spokesman added that the Pentagon would continue with its original roborat program, and did not expect any further protests.
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