You Just Have to Know How to Listen
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) – According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do. However, males who took part in that same study have spoken out, claiming men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It’s just in code. Below is a transcript provided by one of them men of a conversation they had watching a basketball game at one of the men’s homes.
BOB: Hey, did you guys you catch that Lakers game last night?
TRANSLATION: I didn’t get any last night so I watched a basketball game.
LEWIS: Yeah, it was awesome, especially that 3-pointer at the buzzer.
JIMMY: The Lakers are the team. I haven’t missed a game all season.
Last night? Try six months.
LEWIS: Hey, change of subject: I finally did it. I bought an Audi TT.
I’m still compensating for the sexual dysfunction problem, and I need to talk about it.
JIMMY: You lucky bastard! What did your wife say?
That’s tough. How’s your wife dealing with it?
LEWIS: Actually, she loves the car. She’s been driving it as much as I have.
She’s as frustrated as I am.
JIMMY: Did you lease it?
You think it’s temporary?
LEWIS: Yeah, but I have the option to buy.
Yes, but I’m worried I’ll never get better.
BOB: Meanwhile, I just bought a minivan.
Hey, it could be worse. You could be castrated.
JIMMY: Man, you guys make me glad I’m still single.
It’s a good thing I like masturbating.
LEWIS: Quiet guys. Barry Bonds is up. I hope he strikes out.
Does anybody else compensate for their sexual inadequacies by rooting for heroic, muscular men to fail?
JIMMY: Bonds is the best, but he’s a jerk.
Since I’m single and don’t even have a girlfriend, I’m particularly threatened by his ilk. What’s wrong with me?
BOB: Excuse me, but the best player in baseball is Mike Piazza.
Sorry to butt in, but I think I’m gay.
LEWIS: Speaking of which, I thought Dave was coming here. He loves baseball.
Speaking of which, where’s Dave? Isn’t he gay, too?
JIMMY: Dave’s staying home. He says the new wife won’t let him out.
Dave’s staying home hoping to get some.
BOB: By the way, I can’t go to the game Saturday. It’s our anniversary. Any ideas? I wanna try something new.
By the way, I can’t go to the game Saturday. It’s my annual chance to have sex. Any ideas? Standing naked at the front door with two bottles of beer didn’t work last year.
JIMMY: Just get her a card. Always works for me.
Don’t look at me. I have problems maintaining relationships.
BOB: Well hell, maybe I’ll take Katie dancing.
I’m so desperate it’s pathetic.
LEWIS: Dancing? You are such a wuss.
There’s a club on 14th Street that plays Latin music. I take Donna there all the time. Very sensual.
BOB: Hey Dave, you made it! Sheila let you out, huh?
Hey Dave, you made it! Should we assume that Sheila, like other women, doesn’t understand or appreciate the interdependency of physical affection and emotional closeness?
DAVE: What up?
Hi. Have I missed any good boy-talk?
LEWIS: Not much.
Oh my God, well… Bob is having intimacy issues that he’s trying to resolve with Katie, Jimmy is having trouble maintaining relationships, and I’m still overcompensating for sexual dysfunction.
BOB: We were just talking about the Lakers game last night.
We were also discussing the sex drought we’re all going through.
LEWIS: And Mike Piazza.
Oh right, and Bob is gay.
DAVE: Last night? Let me tell you about last night. Sheila and I not only shared mutually satisfying orgasms, but true intimacy. She really concentrated on what she knew would please me, particularly on my nipples, which always gets me hot. It was incredible.
Damn, I missed the Lakers’ game. What happened?
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