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BUSH LAYS OUT TOUGH TERMS FOR PALESTINE TO MAKE WORLD CUP BY 2006

Arab Neighbors Suddenly Opposed to New Country in Qualifying Rounds

Kananaskis, Canada (SatireWire.com) – U.S. President George Bush today said Palestinians should elect new leaders and adopt sweeping reforms if they wish to establish an independent state that would be secure in its borders, at peace with its neighbors, and more importantly, eligible to qualify for the 2006 World Cup.

President George Bush with Donald Rumsfeld
“As with any new nation, there will be mistakes, but they must shut down the back if they hope to compete with the Brazilians,” said Bush (left).

“It is the goal of every nation to be free, independent, and well into the qualifying rounds,” said Bush in a much-anticipated speech. “But this can only happen when the Palestinian people have new leaders, new institutions, and a 4-5-1 formation utilizing at least three defensive midfielders.”

“Also they must be good in the air off set plays,” he added.

While some Palestinians praised aspects of Bush’s speech, many insisted the President had gone too far by appearing to dictate on internal issues. “It is one thing to say we must have political reforms, but only the Palestinian people can decide how may men to have on the attack,” declared Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, who is widely expected to be replaced by China’s national team coach Bora Milutinovic.

“No, we must begin with a 4-4-2 until we get a lead to protect. Only then will we close down the back with a 4-5-1,” he said.

Radical elements within the West Bank, however, immediately accused the Palestinian Authority of going soft, and insisted the 4-5-1, which has only one man forward and relies on the counterattack, is little more than a tool of Zionist hegemony.

“We know Israel would like to see us defeated, but this proves that the Americans truly do not care what happens to us,” said former South Korea coach Guus Hiddink, now a consultant with Hamas. “We must be aggressive and use a 3-4-3, or a 4-3-2-1. If we fail, at least we fail with glory.”

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, however, called that plan “suicide.”

Meanwhile, Arab leaders, who had previously supported a Palestinian state, suddenly opposed the idea when they realized another nation would be thrown into regional qualifiers.

“We still embrace the Palestinians and their cause, and recognize their right to statehood, but we barely made it out of our qualifying group for 2002,” said Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. “So no, no Palestine.”

There is also some controversy over the timetable for Palestine’s inclusion into the world football community. If the Palestinians meet the requirements set by Bush, they could have provisional statehood by 2005. However, noted Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, qualifying for the 2006 World Cup begins in 2004. “The Palestinian people have waited for freedom for too long, but according to my calendar, they’ll have to wait for football until 2010.”

Bush, speaking at a meeting of G-8 leaders in Canada, refused to be drawn into the provisional controversy, saying only that he would like to see new elections by the end of the year, and a roster on his desk within 18 months.


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