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THE GREENSPAN EFFECT

Briefs in a Brief

DEC 11

St. Louis (Satirewire.com) – Anheuser-Busch, the nation’s largest alcoholic beverage producer, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly switched his drink order from a Michelob Lite to a dry martini while at a Georgetown restaurant. Olive futures soared on the news.

DEC. 28

Los Angeles (Satirewire.com) – Geffen Records signed the always controversial “Godfather of Soul,” James Brown, to a $94 million, two-album deal after published reports claimed Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan got out of the shower Tuesday morning and told his wife, “I feel good.”

JAN. 14

Boston, Mass. (Satirewire.com) – Michael C. Hawley, chairman and chief executive officer of The Gillette Company, was summarily executed this morning after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly nicked himself with a Gillette MACH3 razor.

FEB. 2

Washington, D.C. (Satirewire.com) – An 18th Century hickory rocker was condemned to Hell yesterday after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly stubbed his toe on the chair and was unable to stifle a cry of “Goddamnit!”

FEB 14

Washington, D.C. (Satirewire.com) – The sun, which rose this morning, will in all likelihood set this evening if, as expected, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan does not oppose it.

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