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SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

Inauguration Day Schedule, Friday, Jan. 20, 2017

3:45 a.m. – In the first sign that America’s day isn’t off to a good start, Donald Trump will wake up.

3:46 a.m. – Trump will tweet: “Inauguration Day! IF I decide to go through with it. MAYBE I WON’T. Unpredictable!”

3:48 a.m. – Trump will go back to sleep, closing one eye. The other will stay open to check for retweets.

4:45 a.m. – Trump will dress, have breakfast, and look at the weather forecast, which will call for high winds. He will set the dial on his pneumatic hair stabilizer to 9.

6 a.m. – Trump will receive his last intelligence briefing as president-elect, during which national security experts will present him with a document detailing the greatest threats he will face once in office. The document will contain one word: “You.”

8:00 a.m. – As did his predecessors, Trump will attend a private prayer service at St. John’s Episcopal Church, at which time God will appear and plead with the President-Elect to refuse the presidency. In response, Trump will phone Julian Assange and tell him to release everything he has on God.

9:00 a.m. – At Arlington National Cemetery, the incoming President will lay a wreath to honor, he will say, “the armed forces that have so nobly served our Russian nation.”

9:45 a.m. – At the opening of the inauguration ceremony, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will sing the world’s first ironic rendition of ‘God Bless America.’

10:00 a.m. – President Obama and Vice President Biden will escort Donald Trump and Mike Pence to the Capitol, despite Biden’s repeated insistence that the inauguration won’t count because there aren’t enough Democrats.

10:30 a.m. – The Radio City Rockettes will perform their high-kick routine while jumping barefoot on broken glass to symbolize the nation’s inner pain.

11:30 a.m. – Sixteen-year-old “America’s Got Talent” runner-up Jackie Evancho will sing the national anthem, at which point Donald Trump will decide to marry her within two years.

11:45 a.m. – Mike Pence will be sworn in as Apprentice President.

11:55 a.m. – Chief Justice John Roberts will shake hands with Donald Trump and inform him that he cannot become president… in a dream Roberts had the night before. In reality, Roberts will sigh and get on with it.

11:59 a.m. – Eschewing the traditional bible for his swearing in, Donald Trump will place his left hand on Chapter 7 of the U.S. Bankruptcy laws.

11:59:30 –Justice Roberts will begin to read the oath of office but Donald Trump will interrupt him:

TRUMP: Wait, what are you doing?
ROBERTS: Reading the oath of office.
TRUMP: We’re not breaking for commercial?
ROBERTS: We don’t have commercials.
TRUMP: No, we should break for commercial here. Heightens the tension.

Noon – Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States as three living former presidents – Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton – look on in envy of all the dead presidents who don’t have to see this.

12:01 p.m. – Under direction from Trump, Justice Roberts will read a 140-character Tweetable version of the oath of office: “I, Donald J Trump, do solemnly yada yada yada, believe me. Meryl Streep overrated! #BestPresidentEver #NotEvenClose”

12:02 p.m. – As the crowd cheers, President Trump will tweet, “Vladimir, I’ve got the codes! … sorry that was supposed to be a text. IGNORE!”

12:30 p.m. – President Trump will end his inaugural address with the immortal words: “Good luck, morons.”

1 p.m. – Former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama will leave Washington to take a well-earned vacation in Southern California. They will stay at a Trump hotel just to rate it one star on TripAdvisor.

1:07 p.m. – President Trump will sign his first executive order, prohibiting Robert Pattinson from ever even thinking about getting back with Kirsten Stewart.

1:30 p.m. – Congress will host the President and Vice President at the Capitol for the Congressional Luncheon. Pence will eat chicken. Trump will eat the First Amendment.

2:35 p.m. – The inaugural parade will head down Pennsylvania Avenue with each participant marching single-file so it looks longer.

7 p.m. – President Trump will attend the Commander-in-Chief’s Inaugural Ball, held to honor America’s veterans, and try very hard not to mock the disabled ones.

8:30 p.m. – President Trump will attend the “official” Inaugural Ball, where Kanye West and Trump advisor Steve Bannon will perform a duet as ‘Klanye.’

2 a.m. – Ending his historic day, the President will bid goodnight to First Lady Melania Trump, who will zip her husband into the giant, hermetically sealed bag of Cheetos in which he sleeps.

© 2017 SatireWire.com

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