NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to include a “spoiler alert” on its new report revealing that climate change will result in famine, disease and widespread environmental catastrophe during the next century.
“They totally gave away what’s going to happen,” read one angry post on Reddit’s Climate page. “That is so irresponsible. Well, I’m just not going to pay any attention now. Why bother?”
The 2,600-page report from the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change details numerous dire outcomes of rising temperatures and sea levels, some of them “almost spitefully specific,” complained detractors. Among the leaks: coral reefs will disappear by 2050, nitrous oxide and methane will double by 2070, and Himalayan glaciers will melt nearly 50 percent by 2100.
“Great. So now I know what happens in 2050, 2070, and 2100,” said one comment on the BBC’s website coverage. “That pretty much ruins the next 100 years for me.”
UN scientists defended the study, insisting they hadn’t meant to impede anyone’s interest in the topic.
“We’re not saying this absolutely will happen,” said Dr. Rajendra K Pachauri, chairman of the IPCC. “We’re saying it’s likely to happen, unless we do something.”
“Oh please. Don’t try to walk it back now,” responded another Reddit poster. “Just look at what you’re revealing. Crops die. Fish die. The Great Barrier Reef dies. Why don’t you just ruin the end of Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead while you’re at it?”
“If they’d have just said, ‘Someone is going to die by 2050,’ or ‘Something is going to disappear by 2100,’ that would have been fine,” read another comment. “Don’t scientists have to sign a non-disclosure agreement or something, promising not to give away too much of the plot?”
By press time, much of the anger at the U.N. had died down as detractors moved on to Reddit’s ‘Holy Bible’ page to complain about spoilers in the Book of Revelations.
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