KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) — Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian President Vladimir Putin and vowed to thwart his invasion of Crimea by taking bold and decisive action in their minds.
“Putin only understands force, and we therefore have no choice but to respond with force,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry thought moments before meeting with Sergei Lavrov, Russia’s Foreign Minister. “Lavrov, you have 24 hours to get your troops out of Crimea or it’s war,” Kerry said to himself in the mirror before going out and saying nothing of the kind.
In Washington, President Barack Obama unveiled some measured sanctions against Russia, but mentally ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to unleash its might.
“I hereby authorize the Atlantic fleet to strike Russian bases in Crimea and cripple Russian missile batteries on the border with Eastern Ukraine, after which we will send in ground troops to remove the Russian menace,” Obama told his top brass, after which he imagined Senate thorn John McCain shouting, “You go girl!”
European leaders were no less internally outspoken as they visualized putting self-interest aside and finally defying the Kremlin.
“As each day passes, Russia tightens its grip on Crimea. We cannot wait. We must act now, and with force!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said aloud, although not so loud that anyone could hear.
Her daring words were echoed by British Prime Minister David Cameron, who in every sense but actual vowed to move boldly.
“President Putin has defied international law and we must make show him the West is strong,” Cameron told himself while chomping on an imaginary cigar in what he hoped was a Churchillian way.
In Moscow, meanwhile, Putin pictured himself saying the most outrageous, incendiary and ridiculous things, and then went ahead and said them.
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