BOSTON (SatireWire.com) — A heartbreaking new study that shows victims of childhood bullying can suffer long-term mental and physical health problems is, “friggin’ awesome,” the nation’s bullies said today.
Published in the journal Pediatrics, the study revealed that teens who were bullied in the past tend to have a lower quality of life, lower self-esteem, and more difficulty with physical activities like walking or playing sports – results that bullies said was like being told what a wonderful job they’re doing.
“Discovering I have, not just an immediate negative impact on someone’s life, but a long-term negative impact on someone’s life, is really validating,” said 16-year-old high school bully Tanya Parker of Hollywood, Fla. “And because the effect lingers, it’s especially gratifying to know that my bullying is working, even when I’m not.”
“I don’t have the time-management skills to properly follow-up on my victims, so I really appreciate these researchers doing it for me,” added 14-year-old bully Rory Garber of Philadelphia. “Based on the data, I anticipate I’ll be able to expand my victim pool now that I know the efficacy of my endeavors.”
Researchers at Boston Children’s Hospital, where the study was based, said they hope the findings will be used to stop the epidemic of persecution. Bullies, however, said they were confused by that claim.
“Wait, they think the way to stop bullying is to tell bullies that they’re making victims, not just miserable, but really, really miserable?” said Jake Zweeg, a 12-year-old middle school terror in suburban Chicago. “Seriously? Are you sure about that? Because it sounds more like they’re trying to motivate us.”
Even retired bullies said the study was an endorsement of their violent lifestyle.
“When I was in high school, my dad always said, ‘Son, you need to make a difference in this world,’ and obviously I have,” said Ralph Ippolito, a 32-year-old security guard in Camden, N.J. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I pin him to the ground, twist his nipples and tell him the news.”
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