CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets.
“If you pay for something, you expect, at a minimum, some kind of result,” said Glen Carsgrove of Bentwood, Ill., as he approached the counter of a Quik-Stop Food Mart to purchase Mega Millions tickets. “It’s like these companies are taking advantage of me, hoping I don’t see what they’re up to. Well forget it. I’m not stupid.
“Gimme five quick picks,” he added to the clerk, handing over a $5 bill.
“What’s the point in buying a product that says ‘antibacterial’ if it’s not antibacterial?” asked Kyle Worley, of Brooklyn, N.Y., as he waited to buy a ticket that had the word ‘Millions’ on it. “Am I supposed to just hope it works? Like I would buy something based on hope. Right.”
The vitamin study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine and entitled, “Enough is Enough: Stop Wasting Money on Vitamin and Mineral Supplements,” really set off Janice Freely of Portland, Maine, as she purchased $20 in lottery tickets.
“As I understand it, these all-in-one vitamins might help, like, one in a million people,” said Freely as she stood next to a sign explaining that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were 1 in 259 million. “One in a million! You don’t spend your money on something at one in a million.”
At the Gallatin, Tenn., Snappy Mart, 69-year-old Annabelle Taylor said she barely survives on her Social Security check and can’t afford to waste it.
“In a way I’m glad to hear those things don’t work,” she said. “I’m going to take the $10 a month I spend on vitamins and put it somewhere useful.
“I’ll take five quick-picks and a scratch-off,” she added to the clerk.
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