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CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Public health officials sheathed the Capitol Dome in a 55,000-square-foot latex condom today, explaining that if Congress is going to screw the country, it should at least do so responsibly.

While the legislative branch has a long history of sticking it to the American public, the nation has recently been taking it nonstop from Congress and something had to be done, said Benjamin Kleve, Engineer of the Capitol.

“It’s always been bad, but these Tea Party people alone are like rabbits,” said Kleve. “We can’t stop them because legally it’s consensual — we elected them — but we felt they could at least do the responsible thing and put a lid on it.”

That “lid” is an impressive, 1.3-million-cubic-liter latex prophylactic that encases the 288-foot-tall structure and has already been nicknamed, variously, the ConDome, the FillUpBuster, the Boehner Bonnet, the Cruz Missile Silo, Erection Reform, the Helmet of Representatives, the Everlasting Polstopper, the Incumbarrier, the Gerrymanskin, the Sequestraightjacket, and SCROTUS Interuptus.

Detractors argue condoms will only encourage Congressional behavior and suggest preaching abstinence to subdue the legislative libido. But Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called that unrealistic.

“We’re not talking about rational human beings here,” Sebelius said. “Abstinence won’t work. I mean, think about how excited they get just by saying the word, ‘No.’”

Protection, Sebelius added, is the only solution.

“There are 320 million Americans Congress is screwing. Just think of all the diseases they could get from those lawmakers,” she said. “And of course prophylactics also protect against unwanted pregnancy, and the last thing we need is more unwanted, unloved congressmen running around.”

In all, Congress spent $9 million on the first shipment of 400 ConDomes, equivalent to the cost of Head Start programs halted during the government shutdown. In other words, said Kleve, “They’re screwing us while they’re screwing us. If nothing else, you have to admire their stamina.”

Legislators did not, however, appropriate funds to have the condoms ribbed, Kleve added, “Since Congress doesn’t really care how Americans feel and the public isn’t supposed to enjoy it anyway.”

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