WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to address rampant sexual harassment in the armed forces, U.S. military commanders today announced they will hold a “Miss Pentagon” contest to boost the morale and standing of female soldiers.
Detractors immediately blasted the announcement, saying it exemplifies everything that is wrong with the military’s male-dominated culture, but Pentagon officials disagreed.
“We understand our women in uniform feel disrespected right now,” said Lt. Gen. Mike Kirby. “That’s why this competition is so great. It gives female service members a chance to stand out from their male counterparts. We’re saying, ‘The Army isn’t all about men. We’ve got women, too! Look at ‘em!’”
In a hearing with the Senate Armed Services Committee, Kirby conceded sexual assaults have risen sharply, but said the contest will help spread the word that harassment and abuse are off limits. For example, he noted, posters advertising the competition will include admonitions against sexual harassment.
“We send out memos and directives about gender equality and mutual respect all the time. Nobody reads them,” said Kirby. “But put them on a poster with a beautiful babe and you’ve got their attention. Seriously. Some of the guys are literally standing at attention.”
Kirby’s proposal led to a heated exchange with armed services committee member Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, (D-NY), who has long championed women’s rights in the armed forces.
“This contest is the antithesis of what you should be doing,” Gillibrand scolded. “What you should be doing is proving to women in the military that they are respected and deserve to be there.”
“But Senator, these women will absolutely deserve to be there,” said Kirby. “To even get in the Miss Pentagon contest, you’ll first have to make it through one of contests from the four services. We’ll have a ‘Miss Hellcat’ contest for the Navy – that’s because a Hellcat was a Navy aircraft and also refers to a woman who’s really wild in…”
“Yes, we get it,” said Gillibrand.
“There’s also ‘Miss DD-Day’ for the Marines,” said Kirby. “That’s pronounced ‘Double D-Day’ because…
“Alright, that’s enough,” Gillibrand interrupted.
“The Army will have a ‘Miss Humvee’ contest because a Hummer is both a vehicle and…
“I said that’s enough!” shouted Gillibrand, who abruptly stormed out of the hearing.
After an awkward silence, Kirby addressed the remaining male members of the committee.
“You guys want to hear about Air Force contest?” he asked. “It’s named for where the pilot sits…”
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