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THIS WEEK IN BLAME

APRIL 18-25

NEW HAVEN, CT (SatireWire.com) — From the bombings in Boston to potholes in Britain to whatever it was CNN got wrong this time, someone or something has to take the blame. As a new public service, SatireWire presents, “This Week in Blame” — a sadly accurate list of 50 actual things blamed for things during the past 7 days.

(See footnotes at bottom for causes of blame)

1. The FBI
2. The CIA
3. The NRA
4. Profiteroles
5. North Korea
6. South Korea
7. Drug-resistant gonorrhea
8. A 10-year-old with pepper spray
9. A 49-year-old with memory lapses
10. A 19-year-old with five bombs
11. A news anchor with F* bombs
12. No one
13. Everyone
14. Each other
15. Someone else
16. The Jews
17. His previous lawyer
18. His Jihadist brother
19. Her previous makeup artist
20. Unusually high winds
21. “Unusually thin” windows
22. Windows 8
23. The Syrian government
24. The Cinnamon Challenge
25. The sequestration
26. The New York Jets
27. The Jews again
28. Barack Obama
29. A band of Gypsies
30. The band Nirvana
31. The Roman Empire
32. Weather
33. Hackers
34. Twitter
35. “Twattery”
36. Glancing suggestively
37. Plastic surgery
38. Lack of exercise
39. Too much exercise
40. An overloaded electrical outlet
41. A source who failed to “clarify”
42. A cormorant
43. An otter
44. A dog
45. An Elvis impersonator
46. Sorry it’s not the Elvis impersonator it’s someone else
47. Bald tires
48. A microwavable teddy bear
49. Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, and…
50. The Jews again

BLAMENOTES:

1- Failing to track the Boston bombers; 2- Failing to track the Boston bombers; 3- Stopping gun background checks; 4- Listeria outbreak; 5- Scaring the world; 6- Scaring North Korea; 7- Being untreatable, also awful; 8- Injuries; 9- Stealing money; 10- Boston Marathon bombing; 11- Firing of said news anchor; 12- a missing guitar; 13- Sexual assaults; 14- Haliburton/BP/Transocean; 15- The Boston bombings, according to the suspects’ mother; 16- The Boston bombings; 17; Discrepancies in the defendant’s testimony; 18- Getting him to go along with the bombing; 19- Putting too much makeup on Joseline Hernandez; 20- Knocking down a Canadian building; 21- Causing a man to fall to his death after his wife pushed him through said window; 22- Being Windows 8, mostly; 23- Using chemical weapons; 24- Sending youths to the hospital; 25- Airport delays; 26- Signing Tim Tebow; 27- Derailing the peace process; 28- Budget woes; 29- Theft of rhino heads; 30- Ruining David Lee Roth’s career; 31- British potholes; 32- Higher commodity prices; 33- Hacking the AP’s Twitter feed; 34- Allowing itself to be hacked; 35- Getting a British politician in trouble; 36- Women being raped in India; 37- Causing all Miss South Korea pageant contestants to look alike; 38- Obesity; 39- TV presenter Andrew Marr’s heart attack; 40- A fire; 41- CNN’s John King erroneously reporting the Boston bombing suspects had been arrested; 42- Killing fish; 43- Killing fish; 44- Killing a cat; 45- Sending a Ricin-laced letter to the White House; 46- Or not; 47- Road accident; 48- A fire; 49- Biting an opposing player; 50- All wars, plots, and corruption in the world. Obviously.

Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com

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