OCEANA, VA. (SatireWire.com) — Just two months after its breakthrough hit, the hugely popular Navy SEAL Team 6 has broken up, a Navy spokesman confirmed today.
Known for their explosive live performances, SEAL Team 6 had been covertly touring the world since coming together in the 1980s. The all-male group finally made it big with their May, 2011 hit on Osama bin Laden, an achievement that ironically led to “creative differences” and the split.
“For a while after the Osama gig, we were more popular than Jesus,” said lead sniper Tango, known to fans as the ‘Cute One.’ “I think that got to our heads a bit. Some of the boys thought we belonged on a bigger stage.”
One of those was concussionist Bravo, the ‘Rebellious One.’
“I got tired of appearing in small, remote venues,” said Bravo. “Even Osama, we did that in a private home in front of a few family members. I thought, ‘God, we’ll be doing bar mitzvahs next.’
“I told the guys, ‘Hey, we’re SEAL Team 6. We should be doing this in stadiums!’”
For Delta, the ‘Funny One,’ the pressure to do a quick follow-up mission was a major factor in calling it quits.
“Osama was number one with a bullet, so of course people wanted us to double down while we were hot,” he said. “I totally couldn’t work like that.”
“I’d like to point out that Delta also got this new girlfriend who was totally jealous of us,” said Lima, the ‘Smart One.’ “She kept trying to horn in on our missions, saying Delta should always be the leader. Her code name was Bitch.”
Whatever the cause, fellow headbangers said they were saddened by the news.
“We toured with ST6 in the Middle East and Asia, and they brought it heavy every night,” recalled Marine ReCon Commander Zulu. “We trashed more than a few hotel rooms, I’ll tell you that. Also apartment blocks, ammunition depots, armed compounds and secure bunkers.”
Much like Latin boy-band Menudo, ST6 was formed with the idea that its members would continually be replaced as they grew older. While early group members were a tight bunch, the last several years were fractious, said Ry Kelly, a writer for ST6 fanzine SEAL Beat.
“They’re all different people and they came into ST6 with different influences,” said Kelly. “Some of them were into ‘Call of Duty,’ and some of them picked up their first gun while watching ‘Charlie’s Angels.’ In the end, cracks like that are going to show.”
Longtime lead grenadeist November, the ‘Sad One,’ said he hopes ST6 is remembered as more than just a one-hit wonder.
“I hope people realize we have a pretty impressive back catalogue,” he said. “Over the years we captured Manuel Noriega in Panama, war criminals in Bosnia, and terrorists in Afghanistan. OK, they weren’t ‘hits,’ per se, but they were well regarded. I thought.”
According to SEAL Beat, several former ST6 members will pursue solo careers, while a few have been asked to go on tour with the Army Rangers. At least 15 plan to form a SEAL Team 6 tribute team.
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