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AT&T TO CUT WORKFORCE 120 PERCENT

*Please See Note at Bottom

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — AT&T will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

AT&T stock soared more than 12 points on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said AT&T Chairman C. Michael Armstrong. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees.

Employee Reduction Plan

From there, said Armstrong, “it didn’t take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we’d save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we’d save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let’s cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion.

“We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line,” he added.

AT&T plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-AT&T employees who presently work for other companies.

“We pretty much picked them out of a hat,” said Armstrong.

Among firms AT&T has picked as “External Reduction Targets,” or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Callaway Golf, and Charles Schwab & Co. AT&T’s plan presents a “win-win” for the company and ERTs, said Armstrong, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to AT&T, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

“We’re also hoping that since, over the years, we’ve been really helpful to a lot of companies, they’ll do this for us kind of as a favor,” said Armstrong.

Legally, pink slips sent out by AT&T would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.

“This is ridiculous. I don’t work for AT&T. They can’t fire me,” said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines.

Reactions like that, replied Armstrong, “are not very sporting.”

Inspiration for AT&T’s plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, AT&T said it had already reached its quota. “We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave AT&T in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that,” Armstrong said.

Analysts credited Armstrong’s short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing AT&T share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.

“It’s a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, AT&T may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist,” said McInty.

Armstrong, however, urged patience: “To my knowledge, this hasn’t been done before, so let’s just wait and see what happens.”

Follow-up: AT&T CEASES TO EXIST

Note: Right story, wrong company? Since SatireWire first ran this story, in January of 2000, netizens have passed this story around and substituted the names of their (least) favorite companies for AT&T, including Motorola, Ameritech, Honeywell, Delta, and IBM.

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