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BAD PLANET! JUPITER DOING SOMETHING WRONG

Huge Mysterious Hand Keeps Pointing Angry Finger At Gas Giant

OUT THERE (SatireWire.com) – For the second time in a week, humanity watched in fear and awe as a mysterious arm, estimated to be some 3 million light years across, once again appeared to part the black fabric of space, point an angry finger directly at Jupiter, and shout, “No!”

The arm immediately withdrew and has not been seen since.

Image courtesy NASA/Hubble Space Telescope

“I don’t know what Jupiter keeps doing, but it must be pretty bad,” theorized Cal Tech astrophysicist Miles Hoffman, one of many scientists, theologians and world leaders who have been scrambling for clues to the strongly worded rebukes.

Hoffman, whose team had been focused on Jupiter since the first “No!” incident last Saturday, said the solar system’s largest planet was not doing anything out of the ordinary when the hand appeared again Tuesday, but conceded he still doesn’t know what sort of misbehavior he should be looking for.

“Well, the ionized protons in Jupiter’s metallic hydrogen core do emit a sort of low-level hum,” said Hoffman. “If you’re on the phone, or trying to sleep, that can be annoying.”

But others insist the appearances, each of which lasted approximately 5 seconds, were no less than messages from The Creator.

“It’s like when you point to an electrical outlet and say to your baby, ‘No!’ You’re teaching him not to play with dangerous things,” said the Rev. Marilyn Beecher, a minister in Melbourne, Australia. “Maybe God is warning us not to play with Jupiter. Maybe Jupiter is electrical. Or poisonous. Or maybe it bites. Whatever the case, I think a big ‘Thank you, God!’ is in order.”

But some say God, if that’s who is behind the incidents, is not doing enough. “I would be much more stern with Jupiter,” said Tokyo-based child psychologist Hiroshi Yamoto. “The first time I might have said ‘No,’ but after that, it’s the time-out chair, mister.”

“Time-outs don’t do a thing,” countered noted Russian parenting counselor Irina Vladiskaya. “Jupiter should be spanked.”

IS JUPITER A HO?

Despite the general consensus about the occurrences, a growing number of people insist the word “No!” was not what they heard on the two occasions.

At Cambridge University, astronomer Brian McTeague believes the sound wave signature was distorted by solar radiation as it approached Earth, and theorizes the actual word was “Ho!” Unlike the inexplicable “No!”, McTeague said the accusatory “Ho!” would be a logical censure for the gas giant.

“I’ve had my eye on Jupiter for many years, and with that swirling, swollen pink spot roiling around on its surface like some great licentious bullseye, Jupiter gives every indication of being a ho,” said McTeague. “I for one think we should send a big probe up to that skanky ho planet, and I volunteer to drive it.”

“Ho” or “No,” one thing most humans seem to agree on is that the arm has obliterated their self-centered view of the universe, and given them a renewed sense of what’s really important.

As Miami resident Andrew Burke noted: “What do you think would sell better, T-shirts that say “JUPITER, NO!” or ones that say, “Just Say No To Jupiter!”? I want to get this order to the printer by 5 o’clock.”

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