Relationship Falls Well Below Expectations
New York, N.Y. (SatireWire) – Laura Feldstein (Brooklyn, 24) today announced disappointing results in her relationship with skeezing loser boyfriend Derek McHugh (Brooklyn, 27) for the quarter ended Aug. 31.
In the three-month period, net proceeds – i.e., total Derek spent on entertainment, flowers, and gifts, less unrecouped losses by Feldstein including the $26 in phone calls Derek made to his ex-girlfriend using Laura’s cell phone (Laura saw the bill; she’s not stupid!) when Laura was “out of commission” for the week ending July 24 – equaled $139, well below Feldstein’s expectations, but pretty much in line with her mother’s.
Pro-forma attention (time spent in intelligent conversation without the immediate promise of sexual interaction) for the third quarter was down 60 percent from the quarter ended May 31, just after they met, and down 75 percent from last year’s third quarter, when Feldstein was still dating RamÃ³n, that Latino guidance counselor from NYU who was creepy but at least pretended he was interested in her life.
On a per share basis, Feldstein reported her diluted share of Derek was 33 percent – down from what she thought was 100 percent, HA! in the second quarter – primarily due to broad-based weakness in Derek, who was continuing and/or establishing strategic partnerships not only with his ex, but with some bitch named Candi; like what kind of slut would go by the name Candi, anyway? As a result of these extraordinary items, it may be necessary to spin Derek off into a separate, wholly independent entity, the bastard.
Laura Feldstein, Possibly Ex-Girlfriend, said in a statement: “During the second quarter, beginning about a month after my so-called friend Andrea introduced me to Derek at Nativa, we continued to operate in a difficult environment, especially in the sexual services sector, where my depressed levels of activity were a direct result of him always wanting me to go down on him, and then, as soon as he’s happy, he suddenly insists he’s “left his stove on” and has to go. Like he cooks. Even so, I continue to hang out with the 60-Second Man, I think because he is friends with the DJ at Hush, if I’m honest with myself.
“Regardless, I plan to broaden my core focus and test current market conditions in an effort to search for a synergistic partner or partners – hear that Derek! Partners! erssssss! – who are willing to invest heavily in R&D (That’s ‘Relationship Development,’ Derek, not ‘Rut & Dash’).
“Though it is a challenging time, I remain stubbornly confident that the long-term trends for my happiness are positive, although not with Derek, as his past performance is probably a guarantee of future results.”
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