Network Efficiencies Could Lead to Prolonged “Dream Recession,” Say Experts
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. (SatireWire.com) – Economic theorists and high tech executives today predicted a downturn in the unprecedented New Economy will produce an equally successful “New Recession,” a fast-paced, highly efficient decline that will be the envy of economies the world over.
“We really have a chance to rewrite the economic history books with this one,” said Harvard economist Nils Wahlgren. “It’s a great time to be an economist,” he added.
In the New Recession, corporations will utilize their network capabilities – including email and intranets – to streamline and expedite downsizing and cost-cutting processes. They will be able to gauge and spread economic deprevation instantly, efficiently, and globally, said MarchFIRST networking consultant Dee Peers. “If all goes well, I will lose my job more quickly and at less expense to the company than was ever thought possible,” she said.
In addition, the New Economy’s ties to the stock market will cause immediate suffering in the general population, leading to what Goldman Sachs analyst Ben Wan calls a “dream recession.”
“What’s really exciting is that something like 49 percent of adult U.S. residents own stock in some form, and as they are capable of tracking their portfolios in real-time on the Internet, the negative impact on their psyches and savings, and on the economy as a whole, will be instantaneous,” said Wan. “Depending upon how ‘wired’ you are, you could lose your job and your life savings in the same moment!”
Efficiencies in productivity, meanwhile, could even put an end to one of the time-honored maxims of recessionary times. “In an old recession, when a company was going bust, some office wag would invariably say, ‘Will the last one out please shut off the lights?’” noted Wahlgren. “But in the New, high-tech Recession, those lights will be shut off system-wide, automatically, from a remote location. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
Such a New Recession has some radical economists speculating that it could lead to a permanent “New Depression,” a continual period of negative growth, high unemployment and high inflation once thought to be achievable only in North Korea or under Boris Yeltsin.
Aside from its staying power, how would the New Depression differ from its predecessor? According to Deutsche Asset Management economist Helen Wilstein, the America of the 1930s was dominated by manual labor, which prompted U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt to create the Works Progress Administration, which gave the unemployed jobs digging ditches, fixing roads, and performing other pointless busywork. “I imagine we’ll again have to create jobs that serve no tangible purpose,” predicted Wilstein, “but given today’s service-based economy, it’s more likely people will be put to work as management consultants.”
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