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LAID OFF SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS SELF FROM BUILDING

Watches Himself “Like Hawk” to Make Sure No Corporate Secrets Stolen

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Thirty-two-year-old security guard Eddie Dupree, laid off yesterday from semiconductor firm Broadcom, gave himself an hour to gather his personal effects and leave the building.

Eddie

Dupree, the final member of his department to be downsized, said he was “stiff and cold, but not rude” while he placed his few belongings in a cardboard box and escorted himself from the premises. Nonetheless, he was not happy about his treatment.

“It was humiliating that the company wouldn’t trust me to leave quietly on my own,” he said, adding that he was only following policy. “Look, it was nothing personal.”

Dupree, who worked for Broadcom for two years, said he has escorted dozens of laid off employees from the building in recent months, and never knows what’s going to happen.

“You think you know people you work with and squint at suspiciously every day, but when they lose their jobs, they really aren’t themselves and you don’t know how they might react,” he said. “Sometimes they get weepy, or angry, or even violent. But usually the worst thing that happens is they try to filch company property.”

Having seen all the tricks, however, Dupree insisted he was not going to be duped by himself. “I won’t lie. The thought of taking a stapler or a laptop crossed my mind,” he confessed. “But I was watching myself like a hawk, so I doubt I would have had the opportunity even if I wanted to.”

As for the accusation that he was cold and unsympathetic during what was, he admits, a difficult time, Dupree was defensive.

“People think us security guards are just stupid, unfeeling corporate toadies, but that’s not true,” he said. “Like with me. I left the building wearing my security uniform, but it’s not like I asked myself to strip and walk out in my underwear. I gave myself 24 hours to mail it back.”

“I didn’t think of that,” he said to himself. “Thanks.”

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