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	<title>SatireWire &#124; dot.com.edy &#187; Business Briefs</title>
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		<title>Wall Street Suffers Worst Setback Since Yesterday</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=302</link>
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		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Stocks took another beating yesterday in what analysts are now calling the worst day on Wall Street since the day before yesterday. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell to a record low, while the Nasdaq plunged even further. The last time either average visited these levels, George W. Bush was [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Martha Stewart Says Laws Only Apply To People</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=308</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=308#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; In a deft legal maneuver, lawyers representing Martha Stewart todaydemanded that investigations of the uber domestician be dropped, pointing out that U.S. securities laws only prohibit insider trading committed by humans. Attorneys underlined several relevant sections of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, including Rule 20a, which states, &#8220;Any person [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Your Work Habits Explained</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=332</link>
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		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Stick with us for a moment while we explain your situation. According to the latest jobless statistics, 6 percent of Americans are unemployed, meaning that 94 percent are employed, or at least not complaining. If we assume this 94 percent is at work, and if we apply the widely accepted [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=391</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=391#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Sci/Tech Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[San Francisco (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh. In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company said it hopes to sell 5 mil-yun shairs at ate dahl-erz. The [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=398</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=398#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Seattle, Wash. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Pigs flying over the frozen landscape of hell reported that online retailer Amazon.com turned in the first profit in its history on Tuesday, just moments after the sun set in the East. &#8220;Amazon is proud to announce that in our fourth quarter, we achieved a net profit of $5 million on [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=401</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=401#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.satirewire.com/content/?p=401</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Chicago (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Ailing retail giant Kmart today announced it would not have to declare bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of company finances whatsoever. &#8220;Our previous accounting firm told us we lost $224 million in the fiscal third quarter, but Andersen has informed us [...]]]></description>
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		<title>AP, Reuters in Pitched Spelling Battle</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=418</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=418#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Authority Briefs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Intl-Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[London (SatireWire.com) &#8211; The war for Afghanistan intensified today as rival factions from Reuters and the Associated Press launched vicious attacks against one another over whether the United States is fighting Osama bin Laden&#8217;s al Qaeda network, or Osama bin Laden&#8217;s al Qaida network. &#8220;For many months, Reuters has been reporting -and I use the [...]]]></description>
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		<title>World Bank Wants to Help Afghans Amass Staggering Debt Burden</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=433</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=433#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Intl-Briefs]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; The World Bank this week said it plans to extend loans to rebuild Afghanistan once a new government is installed, a pledge bank officials and Afghan opposition leaders agree virtually ensures that the war-torn country&#8217;s economy will become stable when penguins fly. The World Bank and sister organization the International Monetary [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Airline&#8217;s New &#8220;Fly, Goddamnit&#8221; Campaign Not Taking Off</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=438</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=438#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.satirewire.com/content/?p=438</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Chicago (SatireWire.com) &#8211; Marketing executives from United Airlines said today they are still searching for just the right tone to lure the public back into the skies after their new &#8220;Fly, Goddamnit&#8221; ad campaign was an immediate failure with consumers. The television campaign, created by Leo Burnett Worldwide, was meant to piggyback onto United&#8217;s previous [...]]]></description>
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		<title>Lucent Stays Focused on Losing Money</title>
		<link>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=452</link>
		<comments>http://www.satirewire.com/content1/?p=452#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 05 May 2009 17:11:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Andrew</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Business Briefs]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.satirewire.com/content/?p=452</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Murray Hill, N.J. (SatireWire.com) &#8211; In the most hopeful sign yet that the American economy may be returning to normal, Lucent Technologies posted another staggering quarterly loss on Tuesday. Lucent CEO Henry Schacht said posting the $8.8 billion net loss, its fourth consecutive quarterly deficit, proves that terrorists have not been totally successful in disrupting [...]]]></description>
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