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ISRAEL CLAIMS IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE BOMBING IN NEIGHBORHOOD

ISRAEL CLAIMS IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE BOMBING IN NEIGHBORHOOD

By An Israeli Warplane -- I know, right? I looks kinda awkward that I “just happened” to bomb Damascus Sunday, but that’s what happened. It wasn’t, like, planned or anything. It wasn’t like I went out of my way. I was just bombing in the neighborhood. Honestly. [Read More]

JAMESTOWN OPENS COLONIAL AMERICANNIBALISM EXHIBIT

JAMESTOWN OPENS COLONIAL AMERICANNIBALISM EXHIBIT

So you think history is boring? Not anymore! Come to Jamestown Settlement -- America’s first permanent English anthropophagic colony – where Colonial Americannibalism comes to life! Then is knocked unconscious, disemboweled, flayed, filleted, salted and eaten. Bring the [Read More]

“AMERICA’S BEST COLLEGES” (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus)

“AMERICA’S BEST COLLEGES” (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus)

The pace of college today is faster than ever, especially if you’re running around trying to find someplace to hide during a lockdown. That’s why today we release our list of America’s Best Colleges (for Hiding from a Gunman on Campus). [Read More]

CIA DEFENDS BRIBES, SAYS KARZAI VERY HELPFUL, ALSO SOLID GOLD

CIA DEFENDS BRIBES, SAYS KARZAI VERY HELPFUL, ALSO SOLID GOLD

KABUL (SatireWire.com) -- The CIA today vehemently denied that tens of millions of dollars in cash secretly paid to Afghan leaders was wasted or “simply disappeared,” pointing out that if that were true, Afghan President Hamid Karzai would not now be made of solid gold. [Read More]

CHRYSLER BUILDING COMES OUT AS GAY

CHRYSLER BUILDING COMES OUT AS GAY

NEW YORK CITY (SatireWire.com) -- Inspired by 7-foot NBA center Jason Collins and towering Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner, Manhattan’s iconic Chrysler Building today joined the parade of really tall things coming out as gay. [Read More]

THIS WEEK IN BLAME

THIS WEEK IN BLAME

NEW HAVEN, CT (SatireWire.com) -- From the bombings in Boston to potholes in Britain to whatever it was CNN got wrong this time, someone or something has to take the blame. As a new public service, SatireWire presents, "This Week in Blame" -- a sadly accurate list of 50 [Read More]

AFTER BOMBINGS, NATION SETTLES DOWN TO RESUME SHOOTING ITSELF

AFTER BOMBINGS, NATION SETTLES DOWN TO RESUME SHOOTING ITSELF

SEATTLE (SatireWire.com) -- After a tragic week that saw terrorist bombs strike the heart of Boston, Americans are breathing a sigh of relief today that the worst is over and they can go back to simply shooting each other. [Read More]

SENATORS BID EMOTIONAL FAREWELL TO THEIR BALLS

SENATORS BID EMOTIONAL FAREWELL TO THEIR BALLS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In a solemn, often plaintive ceremony tinged with ineludible regret, 40 United States senators bid an emotional farewell to their balls Wednesday, moments before siding with the gun lobby to vote down a bill expanding background checks [Read More]

INDIGENOUS MARTIANS THRILLED AT PROSPECT OF BEING COLONIZED

INDIGENOUS MARTIANS THRILLED AT PROSPECT OF BEING COLONIZED

OUT THERE (SatireWire.com) – Word that a private aerospace company is launching a mission to colonize Mars has reached the Red Planet, where the local life forms say they're thrilled at the prospect of being colonized by humans, who have such a strong track record of [Read More]

U.S. TO INSTALL TEXTING LANES ON HIGHWAYS

U.S. TO INSTALL TEXTING LANES ON HIGHWAYS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Arguing texting and driving is as much a part of the American travel experience as speeding, the U.S. Transportation Department today unveiled “text-only lanes” that allow drivers to meander across traffic, zigzag into oncoming [Read More]

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CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I [Read More]

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to [Read More]

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

“People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” says one Yale University admissions [Read More]

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir [Read More]

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) -- Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian [Read More]

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