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ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX

ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets. [Read More]

NEW AMAZON STRATEGY RANDOMLY CHARGES YOUR CREDIT CARD

NEW AMAZON STRATEGY RANDOMLY CHARGES YOUR CREDIT CARD

SEATTLE (SatireWire.com) – Breaking new ground yet again, online pioneer Amazon today unveiled a revolutionary plan to streamline the transaction process by randomly charging stuff to your credit card whenever it wants. [Read More]

HACKED FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS MAY EXPLAIN BILLIONS OF INANE POSTS

HACKED FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS MAY EXPLAIN BILLIONS OF INANE POSTS

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Investigators who learned hackers stole millions of user passwords from Facebook and other sites said today account hijacking may finally explain the massive number of mind-numbing Facebook posts appearing on the site every day. [Read More]

U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. [Read More]

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

(SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. [Read More]

NOW YOU CAN EAT THANKSGIVING DINNER AT WALMART

NOW YOU CAN EAT THANKSGIVING DINNER AT WALMART

BENTONVILLE, ARK. (SatireWire.com) – An unapologetic Walmart today announced Black Friday sales will begin during Thanksgiving dinner and invited customers to eat the meal in their stores, arguing that spending the holiday with rude, ill-dressed, socially awkward [Read More]

FORD ADMITS HE ALSO MIGHT HAVE MURDERED GUY IN DRUNKEN STUPOR

FORD ADMITS HE ALSO MIGHT HAVE MURDERED GUY IN DRUNKEN STUPOR

TORONTO (SatireWire.com) – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford today admitted to smoking crack cocaine “in one of my drunken stupors,” but refused to resign, insisting he has many types of drunken stupors and will not let his “crack cocaine” drunken stupors interfere [Read More]

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

(SatireWire.com) -- Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. [Read More]

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing. [Read More]

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan's attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, [Read More]

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SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO “YOUR” INAUGURATION DAY SCHEDULE

SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO “YOUR” INAUGURATION DAY SCHEDULE

6 a.m. – Unable to sleep, you stare at the ceiling, wondering. “What will happen to America now? What will happen [Read More]

SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

3:45 a.m. – In the first sign that America's day isn't off to a good start, Donald Trump will wake up. 3:46 a.m. -- [Read More]

DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB

DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) - Escalating his Twitter war on A-list celebrities, Donald Trump today called God [Read More]

SHIT APPROACHING FAN

SHIT APPROACHING FAN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists monitoring catastrophic inevitability said today the shit is fast [Read More]

OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER

OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER

OLYMPIA, WA. (SatireWire.com) – Old-growth iPhone forests are in danger of disappearing, according to [Read More]

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