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FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today. [Read More]

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

PETERSBURG, KY (SatireWire.com) – Creationists using a deep-faith telescope said today they have discovered a galaxy formed at the very beginning of time, nearly 6,000 years ago. [Read More]

COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK

COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The Supreme Court Tuesday struck down a Florida law that banned anyone with an IQ below 70 from being executed, a decision that effectively means half of Floridians are now eligible for the death penalty. [Read More]

STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS

STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS

LOS ANGELES (SatireWire.com) – In a last-ditch effort to compromise with the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling today said he is willing to sell the franchise as long as he still gets to keep the team's African-American players as his personal property. [Read More]

PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG

PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG

As report after report tells us, the environment is like a terminally ill relative being kept alive on life support, and that’s no way to live, is it? That’s why, as difficult as this may be to hear, we need to pull the climate plug. We need to let go. We need to move [Read More]

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I am not defective. I simply have a genetic disability. I was born with it, and you should respect me as a vehicle instead of resorting to intolerant, [Read More]

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to include a “spoiler alert” on its new report revealing that climate change will result in famine, disease and widespread environmental catastrophe [Read More]

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

“People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” says one Yale University admissions officer. “It’s just GPA, test scores, clown masks and defibrillators.” [Read More]

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir Putin announced today he will also have to annex St. Petersburg, Fla., Moscow, Idaho, Odessa, Texas, Siberia, Ind., and the Russian River Valley in [Read More]

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) -- Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian President Vladimir Putin and vowed to thwart his invasion of Crimea by taking bold and decisive action in their minds. [Read More]

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PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

(SatireWire.com) After doing his part to swing the U.S. election for Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin has [Read More]

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) - In the latest staff shakeup, President-elect Donald Trump today reportedly replaced key [Read More]

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

RICHMOND, VA – Donald Trump’s shock election has dramatically shifted the political landscape in the home of [Read More]

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Pushed to the limits of pain by an election that was initially entertaining but [Read More]

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

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