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NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING

NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING

BOSTON (SatireWire.com) -- A heartbreaking new study that shows victims of childhood bullying can suffer long-term mental and physical health problems is, "friggin’ awesome," the nation’s bullies said today. [Read More]

U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING

U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – An exhaustive, year-long United Nations report on the deteriorating state of the world has concluded that somebody should do something. [Read More]

GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING

GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING

SPARTA, N.J. (SatireWire.com) -- The frequent snowstorms that have shut down much of the Eastern U.S. this winter are not the result of climate change or coincidence, but were meant specifically to cancel the Sparta, N.J., Community Center’s weekly “Hip-Hop-Til-U-Drop" [Read More]

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) -- In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay teammate fuck them if it helped them win the Super Bowl. [Read More]

UNPOPULAR PERSON ADDRESSES EVEN LESS POPULAR COLLEAGUES

UNPOPULAR PERSON ADDRESSES EVEN LESS POPULAR COLLEAGUES

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Speaking on national television Tuesday night, a generally unpopular person told a large gathering of even less popular people that if they do not agree to help him do popular things he will do them on his own even though one reason [Read More]

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics. [Read More]

GOD EXPLAINS ABOUT THE KATY PERRY ‘BIG BOOBS’ THING

GOD EXPLAINS ABOUT THE KATY PERRY ‘BIG BOOBS’ THING

OK, OK, I know. Why would I answer Katy Perry’s prayers and ignore the pleas of people who are hungry or homeless or dying? Why would I grant her youthful request to have bigger breasts when instead I could save a child here or a village there? But hey, in my defense, [Read More]

WORLD’S RICHEST 85 INSULTED BY COMPARISON TO WORLD’S POOR HALF

WORLD’S RICHEST 85 INSULTED BY COMPARISON TO WORLD’S POOR HALF

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claiming the 85 richest people on Earth have the same wealth as the entire bottom half of the world’s population has caused outrage among the top 85, who insist the measurement is misleading because their stuff is much nicer. [Read More]

MAN HAILED FOR NOT SHOOTING ANYONE

MAN HAILED FOR NOT SHOOTING ANYONE

COLUMBIA, MO. (SatireWire.com) -- A local man is being hailed as a hero today for not shooting anyone despite living in an area with a shopping mall, two schools, a movie theater, an IRS office and a former workplace. [Read More]

AND NOW YOUR NEW JERSEY RETALIATORY TRAFFIC REPORT

AND NOW YOUR NEW JERSEY RETALIATORY TRAFFIC REPORT

In Woodbridge we’ve got very heavy delays at the 1 and 9 merge due to lane closures caused by a local senator’s opposition to the Governor’s budget, and in Morris County we have a 5-mile backup on the Garden State Parkway approaching the Toms River tolls due to a [Read More]

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Latest Topics

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

NEW JERSEY (SatireWire.com) – A new poll shows nine in 10 Americans support a mandatory quarantine for someone who [Read More]

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, [Read More]

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical [Read More]

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson [Read More]

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed [Read More]

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