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ASSANGE REGRETS LEAKING PRISON BREAKOUT PLAN

ASSANGE REGRETS LEAKING PRISON BREAKOUT PLAN

LONDON (SatireWire.com) – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in the hospital wing of Wandsworth Prison today after being unable to keep himself from divulging details of a planned breakout by fellow inmates. [Read More]

RANKED 25th IN WORLD IN MATH, U.S. STUDENTS GLAD TO “BE IN TOP 10″

RANKED 25th IN WORLD IN MATH, U.S. STUDENTS GLAD TO “BE IN TOP 10″

VIENNA, AUSTRIA (SatireWire.com) – A key academic assessment released today ranked America’s high schoolers 25th in the world in math, a showing that pleased U.S. students who figure that at least keeps them in the top 1O. [Read More]

‘ISH’ FROM ENGLISH SECRETLY REPLACED BY ‘ISH’ FROM SPANISH

‘ISH’ FROM ENGLISH SECRETLY REPLACED BY ‘ISH’ FROM SPANISH

PHOENIX, AZ (SatireWire.com) -- The ‘ish’ in the word English has been secretly replaced by the ‘ish’ from the word Spanish, according to anti-immigration groups who claim it is part of the “relentless campaign to de-Anglicize America.” [Read More]

ELATED MCCAIN KISSES GENERALS AFTER TESTIMONY

ELATED MCCAIN KISSES GENERALS AFTER TESTIMONY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Three of the four U.S. armed service chiefs told lawmakers Friday they opposed an immediate repeal of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,’ but their testimony was cut short when repeal opponent Sen. John McCain, seemingly overjoyed with their [Read More]

CONGRESS VOTES TO GO FUCK ITSELF

CONGRESS VOTES TO GO FUCK ITSELF

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a historic sign that Washington finally understands what the American people want, Congress today voted to go fuck itself. [Read More]

WIKILEAKS: GITMO PRISONERS “THE NEW BLACK”

WIKILEAKS: GITMO PRISONERS “THE NEW BLACK”

BRUSSELS (SatireWire.com) – In order to coerce a reluctant and image-starved Belgium into taking a Guantanamo Bay detainee, the U.S. pledged the tiny nation friendship, popularity, and a cool second name, according to this classified embassy cable. [Read More]

WIKILEAKS REVEAL U.S. IS JUST, LIKE, A TOTAL BITCH

WIKILEAKS REVEAL U.S. IS JUST, LIKE, A TOTAL BITCH

LONDON (SatireWire.com) – Much of the world was reportedly locked in its room crying a day after the release of a quarter-million U.S. embassy cables served to confirm what many have long suspected: that America is just, like, a total bitch. [Read More]

RETAILERS REJOICE AS BLACK FRIDAY TRAMPLINGS UP 22 PERCENT

RETAILERS REJOICE AS BLACK FRIDAY TRAMPLINGS  UP 22 PERCENT

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Retailers breathed a sigh of relief today as early Black Friday numbers indicated same-store tramplings were up 22 percent over last year. [Read More]

TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE

TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Hoping to show it finally understands the problem, the TSA said today passengers sensitive to enhanced pat-downs will be allowed to put their genitals in checked luggage or carry on bags, which are scanned separately. [Read More]

POPE TO GET MITRE RIBBED

POPE TO GET MITRE RIBBED

VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In the second revelation in as many days, Pope Benedict XVI announced today he not only supports condom use, but intends to promote the cause by getting his mitre ribbed. [Read More]

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PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

(SatireWire.com) After doing his part to swing the U.S. election for Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin has [Read More]

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) - In the latest staff shakeup, President-elect Donald Trump today reportedly replaced key [Read More]

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

RICHMOND, VA – Donald Trump’s shock election has dramatically shifted the political landscape in the home of [Read More]

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Pushed to the limits of pain by an election that was initially entertaining but [Read More]

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

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