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CONGRESS VOTES TO GO FUCK ITSELF

CONGRESS VOTES TO GO FUCK ITSELF

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a historic sign that Washington finally understands what the American people want, Congress today voted to go fuck itself. [Read More]

WIKILEAKS: GITMO PRISONERS “THE NEW BLACK”

WIKILEAKS: GITMO PRISONERS “THE NEW BLACK”

BRUSSELS (SatireWire.com) – In order to coerce a reluctant and image-starved Belgium into taking a Guantanamo Bay detainee, the U.S. pledged the tiny nation friendship, popularity, and a cool second name, according to this classified embassy cable. [Read More]

WIKILEAKS REVEAL U.S. IS JUST, LIKE, A TOTAL BITCH

WIKILEAKS REVEAL U.S. IS JUST, LIKE, A TOTAL BITCH

LONDON (SatireWire.com) – Much of the world was reportedly locked in its room crying a day after the release of a quarter-million U.S. embassy cables served to confirm what many have long suspected: that America is just, like, a total bitch. [Read More]

RETAILERS REJOICE AS BLACK FRIDAY TRAMPLINGS UP 22 PERCENT

RETAILERS REJOICE AS BLACK FRIDAY TRAMPLINGS  UP 22 PERCENT

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Retailers breathed a sigh of relief today as early Black Friday numbers indicated same-store tramplings were up 22 percent over last year. [Read More]

TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE

TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Hoping to show it finally understands the problem, the TSA said today passengers sensitive to enhanced pat-downs will be allowed to put their genitals in checked luggage or carry on bags, which are scanned separately. [Read More]

POPE TO GET MITRE RIBBED

POPE TO GET MITRE RIBBED

VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In the second revelation in as many days, Pope Benedict XVI announced today he not only supports condom use, but intends to promote the cause by getting his mitre ribbed. [Read More]

IRELAND BECOMES MOST LOVEABLE NATION TO FAIL

IRELAND BECOMES MOST LOVEABLE NATION TO FAIL

DUBLIN, IRELAND (SatireWire.com) -- Out of money and time, Ireland yesterday requested a financial bailout, becoming what analysts agreed is the most loveable country ever to go under. [Read More]

TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)

TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)

WINDEREMERE, FL (SatireWire.com) -- His reputation destroyed by addictions to sex and himself, Tiger Woods began using his Twitter account today, his advisors hoping a chatty, down-to-earth persona will somehow make people forget he's Tiger Woods. What follows is the [Read More]

FUTURE QUEEN LOOKS FORWARD TO DESCENDING INTO LUNACY

FUTURE QUEEN LOOKS FORWARD TO DESCENDING INTO LUNACY

LONDON (SatireWire.com) – In the first interview since her engagement to Prince William, presumptive Queen Consort Kate Middleton said today she looks forward to becoming a full-fledged member of the British royal family by going insane. [Read More]

AIRPORT SCREENERS NOT THRILLED ABOUT TOUCHING YOU EITHER

AIRPORT SCREENERS NOT THRILLED ABOUT TOUCHING YOU EITHER

SAN DIEGO (SatireWire.com) -- Caught up in a privacy firestorm already immortalized by the phrase ‘Don’t touch my junk,’ airport screeners today pointed out that they’re not exactly thrilled to have to touch most of you, either. [Read More]

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PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s [Read More]

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously [Read More]

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as [Read More]

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