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DNA PROVES BIN LADEN A SHITHEAD

DNA PROVES BIN LADEN A SHITHEAD

ISLAMABAD (SatireWire.com) -- DNA testing proves “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that the man killed by U.S. forces at a Pakistani compound late Sunday was, in fact, the world’s biggest shithead, the White House said today. [Read More]

OBAMA ACCUSED OF POLITICIZING KILLING OF BIN LADEN BY KILLING BIN LADEN

OBAMA ACCUSED OF POLITICIZING KILLING OF BIN LADEN BY KILLING BIN LADEN

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Republicans today accused President Obama of needlessly politicizing Osama bin Laden's death by intentionally being the President at the time of Osama bin Laden's death. [Read More]

BRITS MARK INDIFFERENCE TO WEDDING BY GATHERING, CHEERING

BRITS MARK INDIFFERENCE TO WEDDING BY GATHERING, CHEERING

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Millions of crying, cheering, flag-waving Britons gathered in streets, pubs, and homes today to display the professed disinterest in the royal wedding that most had claimed to have before the event. [Read More]

TRUMP CLAIMS OBAMA NOT

TRUMP CLAIMS OBAMA NOT

NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) -- Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii because his birth certificate does not exist as nothing can be proven to exist outside one’s self and therefore proof that a thing, such as a birth certificate, exists, is only possible to the person who [Read More]

U.S. NEEDS ONE MORE WAR FOR BINGO

U.S. NEEDS ONE MORE WAR FOR BINGO

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – With three conflicts underway and the middle “free space” already marked, America is just one war away from Bingo, the Pentagon confirmed today. [Read More]

IPHONE SECRETLY TRACKING HOW DULL YOUR LIFE IS

IPHONE SECRETLY TRACKING HOW DULL YOUR LIFE IS

CUPTERINO, CAL. (SatireWire.com) -- Apple iPhones secretly track and record their owners’ location, a potentially devastating privacy breach that experts warn could force people to face the fact that they never really go anywhere interesting. [Read More]

FOX BLASTS OBAMA FOR LANDING ABORTION

FOX BLASTS OBAMA FOR LANDING ABORTION

ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE, MD (SatireWire) -- A plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama had to abort its landing Monday, quickly drawing fire from Fox News and Right to Land groups who said they believe landing begins at descent. [Read More]

REDDIT-BASED UPRISING DOWN-VOTED

REDDIT-BASED UPRISING DOWN-VOTED

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (SatireWire.com) -- Cut off from Twitter and Facebook, protesters in Saudi Arabia yesterday turned to social news website Reddit to organize an uprising, but failed after their call for revolt was down-voted. [Read More]

CONTROLLERS: ‘PILOTS PUT US TO SLEEP’

CONTROLLERS: ‘PILOTS PUT US TO SLEEP’

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Beleaguered air traffic controllers went on the offensive today, accusing pilots of purposely putting them to sleep by constantly speaking in that low-level, monotone mumble. [Read More]

HEROIC OIL COMPANIES OFFER TO FLY LIBYAN OIL TO SAFETY

HEROIC OIL COMPANIES OFFER TO FLY LIBYAN OIL TO SAFETY

TRIPOLI (SatireWire.com) – As chaos mounts in Libya, concerned petroleum firms across the globe have made a courageous pledge to fly all of Libya’s oil to safety. [Read More]

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PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s [Read More]

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously [Read More]

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as [Read More]

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