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COURT REJECTS VID GAME BAN, LAUNCHES ‘CHAMBERS OF DEATH’

COURT REJECTS VID GAME BAN, LAUNCHES ‘CHAMBERS OF DEATH’

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The Supreme Court Monday rejected a ban on violent video games, calling it a coincidence that the court simultaneously released Jurisprudence II: Chambers of Death, a role-playing, first-person shooter starring the nine justices. [Read More]

U.S. TO BUILD DEBT SKYSCRAPER

U.S. TO BUILD DEBT SKYSCRAPER

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a surprisingly lofty compromise to the debt crisis, the U.S. today announced it will replace its single-ceiling debt structure with a modern, 108-story debt tower, allowing the government to “stack debt to heaven” for generations. [Read More]

ZUCKERBERG TO GRADS: ‘GOOD LUCK COMPETING WITH ME’

ZUCKERBERG TO GRADS: ‘GOOD LUCK COMPETING WITH ME’

BERKELEY, CAL. (SatireWire.com) -- In a commencement speech few are likely to forget, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg today urged the University of California's Class of 2011 to follow their dreams, unless they compete Facebook, in which case those dreams will die. [Read More]

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay. [Read More]

CNN URGES VIEWERS NOT TO SEND INCREDIBLE TORNADO FOOTAGE

CNN URGES VIEWERS NOT TO SEND INCREDIBLE TORNADO FOOTAGE

ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) – News network CNN again today urged amateur stormchasers not to video tornadoes but instead seek shelter immediately, a warning they reinforced by repeatedly showing footage from amateur stormchasers not seeking shelter immediately. [Read More]

CONGRESS CATCHES BIBI FEVER

CONGRESS CATCHES BIBI FEVER

CONCERT REVIEW (SatireWire.com) – As conservative Florida Congressman Allen West jostled toward his seat in the packed House, the excitement on his face was visible. So was the word “Bibi,” which he had scrawled across his forehead, in hot pink lipstick, with little [Read More]

APOCALYPSE DELAYED IN ATLANTA, APOLOGIZES

APOCALYPSE DELAYED IN ATLANTA, APOLOGIZES

ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) -- The Apocalypse missed a connection in Atlanta and failed to arrive on Saturday at 6 p.m. as originally scheduled. The Apocalypse apologizes for any inconvenience and will reschedule as soon as possible. The Apocalypse’s full statement follows: [Read More]

‘ARAB SPRING’ IS SOOO OVER. THE ‘ARAB SUMMER’ FASHION FORECAST

‘ARAB SPRING’ IS <I>SOOO</I> OVER. THE ‘ARAB SUMMER’ FASHION FORECAST

The Arab Spring was all vibrant colors, fabulous youth, and self-expression. But that was sooo last season. Arab Summer is on the way, and our geopolitical design forecasters say it may feel less like Benetton and more like Ann Taylor. Sacreblech! [Read More]

HAWKING: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ANIMALS: HA! FUCK YOU, HUMANS.

HAWKING: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ANIMALS: HA! FUCK YOU, HUMANS.

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Animals across the world were laughing themselves sick today after world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking conceded in an interview that there was no God, heaven, or afterlife for humans. [Read More]

IMF FALLOUT: FRENCH POLS UPSET SOME INFIDELITY OUT OF BOUNDS

IMF FALLOUT: FRENCH POLS UPSET SOME INFIDELITY OUT OF BOUNDS

PARIS (SatireWire.com) -- Sexual assault charges against IMF Chief and leading French presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn sent shockwaves across France today, where male politicians said they were ‘saddened and disgusted’ to learn that younger women might not [Read More]

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SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

SATIREWIRE’S GUIDE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

3:45 a.m. – In the first sign that America's day isn't off to a good start, Donald Trump will wake up. 3:46 a.m. -- [Read More]

DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB

DONALD TRUMP CALLS GOD ‘OVERRATED’ AFTER HOLY SNUB

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) - Escalating his Twitter war on A-list celebrities, Donald Trump today called God [Read More]

SHIT APPROACHING FAN

SHIT APPROACHING FAN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists monitoring catastrophic inevitability said today the shit is fast [Read More]

OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER

OLD GROWTH iPHONE FORESTS IN DANGER

OLYMPIA, WA. (SatireWire.com) – Old-growth iPhone forests are in danger of disappearing, according to [Read More]

JOHN GLENN (RIP): ‘I CLAIMED EARTH FOR MYSELF WHILE ORBITING’

JOHN GLENN (RIP): ‘I CLAIMED EARTH FOR MYSELF WHILE ORBITING’

COLUMBUS, OHIO (SatireWire.com) -- Fifty years after becoming the first American to orbit Earth, John Glenn, who died [Read More]

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