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ZUCKERBERG TO GRADS: ‘GOOD LUCK COMPETING WITH ME’

ZUCKERBERG TO GRADS: ‘GOOD LUCK COMPETING WITH ME’

BERKELEY, CAL. (SatireWire.com) -- In a commencement speech few are likely to forget, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg today urged the University of California's Class of 2011 to follow their dreams, unless they compete Facebook, in which case those dreams will die. [Read More]

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay. [Read More]

CNN URGES VIEWERS NOT TO SEND INCREDIBLE TORNADO FOOTAGE

CNN URGES VIEWERS NOT TO SEND INCREDIBLE TORNADO FOOTAGE

ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) – News network CNN again today urged amateur stormchasers not to video tornadoes but instead seek shelter immediately, a warning they reinforced by repeatedly showing footage from amateur stormchasers not seeking shelter immediately. [Read More]

CONGRESS CATCHES BIBI FEVER

CONGRESS CATCHES BIBI FEVER

CONCERT REVIEW (SatireWire.com) – As conservative Florida Congressman Allen West jostled toward his seat in the packed House, the excitement on his face was visible. So was the word “Bibi,” which he had scrawled across his forehead, in hot pink lipstick, with little [Read More]

APOCALYPSE DELAYED IN ATLANTA, APOLOGIZES

APOCALYPSE DELAYED IN ATLANTA, APOLOGIZES

ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) -- The Apocalypse missed a connection in Atlanta and failed to arrive on Saturday at 6 p.m. as originally scheduled. The Apocalypse apologizes for any inconvenience and will reschedule as soon as possible. The Apocalypse’s full statement follows: [Read More]

‘ARAB SPRING’ IS SOOO OVER. THE ‘ARAB SUMMER’ FASHION FORECAST

‘ARAB SPRING’ IS <I>SOOO</I> OVER. THE ‘ARAB SUMMER’ FASHION FORECAST

The Arab Spring was all vibrant colors, fabulous youth, and self-expression. But that was sooo last season. Arab Summer is on the way, and our geopolitical design forecasters say it may feel less like Benetton and more like Ann Taylor. Sacreblech! [Read More]

HAWKING: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ANIMALS: HA! FUCK YOU, HUMANS.

HAWKING: THERE IS NO HEAVEN. ANIMALS: HA! FUCK YOU, HUMANS.

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Animals across the world were laughing themselves sick today after world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking conceded in an interview that there was no God, heaven, or afterlife for humans. [Read More]

IMF FALLOUT: FRENCH POLS UPSET SOME INFIDELITY OUT OF BOUNDS

IMF FALLOUT: FRENCH POLS UPSET SOME INFIDELITY OUT OF BOUNDS

PARIS (SatireWire.com) -- Sexual assault charges against IMF Chief and leading French presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn sent shockwaves across France today, where male politicians said they were ‘saddened and disgusted’ to learn that younger women might not [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CREDIT FOR GETTING TRUMP TO DROP OUT

TRUMP TAKES CREDIT FOR GETTING TRUMP TO DROP OUT

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Donald Trump dropped out of the presidential race today, a “huge and monumental” decision that he claimed never would have happened if he hadn’t intervened to talk himself out of running. [Read More]

BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN

BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- The Chicago Bulls took game one from the Miami Heat 103-82 on Sunday thanks to hot shooting from point guard Derrick Rose and a crucial 3rd quarter timeout where the team got new tattoos. [Read More]

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Latest Topics

U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT

U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT

BAGHDAD (SatireWire.com) – With the Middle East hopelessly fractured and America's allies increasingly [Read More]

STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET

STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET

DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced [Read More]

GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS

GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS

DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – General Motors today announced it will split into separate car-making and car-recalling [Read More]

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be [Read More]

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

PETERSBURG, KY (SatireWire.com) – Creationists using a deep-faith telescope said today they have discovered a galaxy [Read More]

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