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U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT
BAGHDAD (SatireWire.com) – With the Middle East hopelessly fractured and America's allies increasingly indistinguishable from its enemies, the Obama administration today said "Fuck it" and announced U.S. troops in the region will just fight each other for the time being. [Read More]
STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET
DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced monthly sales continue to rise, leading the nation’s No. 1 automaker to declare that more Americans would rather die in a new GM car than any other car in [Read More]
FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN
NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today. [Read More]
CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY
PETERSBURG, KY (SatireWire.com) – Creationists using a deep-faith telescope said today they have discovered a galaxy formed at the very beginning of time, nearly 6,000 years ago. [Read More]
COURT DROPS MINIMUM I.Q. FOR EXECUTION; FLORIDA NOW AT RISK
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The Supreme Court Tuesday struck down a Florida law that banned anyone with an IQ below 70 from being executed, a decision that effectively means half of Floridians are now eligible for the death penalty. [Read More]
STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS
LOS ANGELES (SatireWire.com) – In a last-ditch effort to compromise with the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling today said he is willing to sell the franchise as long as he still gets to keep the team's African-American players as his personal property. [Read More]
PULL THE CLIMATE PLUG
As report after report tells us, the environment is like a terminally ill relative being kept alive on life support, and that’s no way to live, is it? That’s why, as difficult as this may be to hear, we need to pull the climate plug. We need to let go. We need to move [Read More]
CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”
In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I am not defective. I simply have a genetic disability. I was born with it, and you should respect me as a vehicle instead of resorting to intolerant, [Read More]
SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to include a “spoiler alert” on its new report revealing that climate change will result in famine, disease and widespread environmental catastrophe [Read More]
INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS
“People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” says one Yale University admissions officer. “It’s just GPA, test scores, clown masks and defibrillators.” [Read More]
