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RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir Putin announced today he will also have to annex St. Petersburg, Fla., Moscow, Idaho, Odessa, Texas, Siberia, Ind., and the Russian River Valley in [Read More]
WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS
KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) -- Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian President Vladimir Putin and vowed to thwart his invasion of Crimea by taking bold and decisive action in their minds. [Read More]
CRIMEA THREAT A GOD-SEND FOR H.S. TEACHER’S CRIMEAN WAR UNIT
ST. LOUIS, MO (SatireWire.com) -- Russia’s incursion into Crimea and the threat of impending bloodshed could not come at a better time, said excited high school history teacher Luis Salgado, who is about to go over the 19th century Crimean War with his usually [Read More]
NATION’S BULLIES DELIGHTED BY LONG-TERM IMPACT OF BULLYING
BOSTON (SatireWire.com) -- A heartbreaking new study that shows victims of childhood bullying can suffer long-term mental and physical health problems is, "friggin’ awesome," the nation’s bullies said today. [Read More]
U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – An exhaustive, year-long United Nations report on the deteriorating state of the world has concluded that somebody should do something. [Read More]
GOD: SNOW ONLY SENT TO KEEP ELDER DANCE CLASS FROM MEETING
SPARTA, N.J. (SatireWire.com) -- The frequent snowstorms that have shut down much of the Eastern U.S. this winter are not the result of climate change or coincidence, but were meant specifically to cancel the Sparta, N.J., Community Center’s weekly “Hip-Hop-Til-U-Drop" [Read More]
POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS
NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) -- In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay teammate fuck them if it helped them win the Super Bowl. [Read More]
UNPOPULAR PERSON ADDRESSES EVEN LESS POPULAR COLLEAGUES
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Speaking on national television Tuesday night, a generally unpopular person told a large gathering of even less popular people that if they do not agree to help him do popular things he will do them on his own even though one reason [Read More]
XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS
SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics. [Read More]
GOD EXPLAINS ABOUT THE KATY PERRY ‘BIG BOOBS’ THING
OK, OK, I know. Why would I answer Katy Perry’s prayers and ignore the pleas of people who are hungry or homeless or dying? Why would I grant her youthful request to have bigger breasts when instead I could save a child here or a village there? But hey, in my defense, [Read More]
