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PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE
MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas Sen. Climate Killer Everyone Hates Him He’s Canadian swept to victory Monday in Iowa over frontrunner Orange Hitler Lout-Mouth Helmet Head, while Sneaky [Read More]
REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING
OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s population, leading economists to speculate that the bottom half must not be trying very hard. [Read More]
MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE
GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously thought, reaching their conclusion after a massive slab of glacier fell into the sea to expose the message: “If you can read this, you’re screwed.” [Read More]
AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to their guns eventually being taken away, Americans today rushed to buy more guns that will eventually be taken away. [Read More]
TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM
CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as the Republican presidential frontrunner finished an explosive rant against Muslims, immigrants, minorities and the media by taking an actual crap on stage. [Read More]
BEN CARSON INSISTS HE SO BAD HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER
DES MOINES, IOWA (SatireWire.com) -- With skepticism mounting over his claims of juvenile delinquency, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson today issued the most self-damning evidence yet, insisting that not only did he regularly wield weapons, and once tried to [Read More]
BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After repeatedly being labeled a dictator by Republicans and conservative media, President Obama today reluctantly agreed to become the Emperor of America they insisted he already was. [Read More]
SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED
NEW JERSEY (SatireWire.com) – A new poll shows nine in 10 Americans support a mandatory quarantine for someone who has been in close contact with Ebola patients, even if it violates their civil rights, as long as the someone being quarantined is you and not them. [Read More]
HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE
OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, armed with X-Acto knives, scalloped-edge scissors and dual-temperature cordless glue guns, swarmed across the Deep South and Midwest this morning, [Read More]
FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE
NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical experts’ are racing to be the first to market with a passably credible 'Ebola vaccine' that could be worth millions of dollars and save, in a literal sense, [Read More]
