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Sci/Tech Briefs

Nuke Waste Repository Could Turn Moon Into Wasteland

Reno, Nev. (SatireWire.com) – President Bush blasted a plan unveiled Thursday that calls for depositing nuclear waste on the Moon, arguing the radioactive material could turn the lunar surface into a vast, uninhabitable wasteland. “Imagine a place where nothing [Read More]

Report That Pessimists Die Sooner No Big Surprise to Pessimists

“People who are overly pessimistic tend to have worse health long-term than their more positive peers, US researchers report.” – Reuters, Aug. 13 New York (SatireWire.com) – A study issued Tuesday claiming that pessimists have more long-term health [Read More]

New Attention Deficit Drug Is… Um…

New Attention Deficit Drug Is… Um…

New York, N.Y (SatireWire.com) – Drugmaker Eli Lilly and Co. on Wednesday said that late-stage tests of its experimental treatment for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) showed it to be look there’s a squirrel I don’t like that song. [Read More]

NASA Just Goes Ahead and Launches Satellite

NASA Just Goes Ahead and Launches Satellite

Vandenberg Air Force Base, Calif. (SatireWire.com) – NASA today said it launched a $952 million satellite this morning “just for the hell of it.” “Oh, what the fuck,” said NASA Project Manager James Arnaut, recalling his final words before [Read More]

Cloning White People Deemed Redundant

Cloning White People Deemed Redundant

Seoul, South Korea (SatireWire.com) – Spurred by disturbing claims that three women may already be pregnant with the first human clones, a group of Asian, African, and Hispanic scientists today declared that while genetic research may prove beneficial to mankind, the [Read More]

Americans Told to Have Sex with the Dutch

Americans Told to Have Sex with the Dutch

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Reacting to a new report claiming young people in the Netherlands are less likely than their American counterparts to get pregnant or carry sexually transmitted diseases, U.S. health officials today announced that America’s [Read More]

Nebula Alleges Hubble Pics Faked

Nebula Alleges Hubble Pics Faked

Vicinity of M17 (SatireWire.com) – The Omega nebula, also known as the Horseshoe nebula or M17, filed suit today against the U.S. government and NASA claiming recently released pictures allegedly taken by the Hubble Space Telescope were faked. “Anybody who knows [Read More]

Idiot Dad Recommends Great Web Sight

Idiot Dad Recommends Great Web Sight

Ann Arbor, Mich. (SatireWire.com) – For the third time in as many days, 48-year-old Richard Cauthen, father of 20-year-old college student Brian Cauthen, sent an email to his son recommending a “really great web sight.” “This sight is really good. I [Read More]

BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death

BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Microsoft announced this week that a version of its Windows operating system will be installed in BMW’s new 7 Series cars, a move analysts say will dramatically increase the vehicle’s ability to suddenly crash for no [Read More]

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh. In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company [Read More]

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U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT

U.S. TROOPS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER TILL MIDDLE EAST SORTS ITSELF OUT

BAGHDAD (SatireWire.com) – With the Middle East hopelessly fractured and America's allies increasingly [Read More]

STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET

STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET

DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced [Read More]

GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS

GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS

DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – General Motors today announced it will split into separate car-making and car-recalling [Read More]

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be [Read More]

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

CREATIONIST TELESCOPE FINDS NEARLY 6,000-YEAR-OLD GALAXY

PETERSBURG, KY (SatireWire.com) – Creationists using a deep-faith telescope said today they have discovered a galaxy [Read More]

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