Sci/Tech Briefs
Nuke Waste Repository Could Turn Moon Into Wasteland
Reno, Nev. (SatireWire.com) – President Bush blasted a plan unveiled Thursday that calls for depositing nuclear waste on the Moon, arguing the radioactive material could turn the lunar surface into a vast, uninhabitable wasteland. “Imagine a place where nothing [Read More]
Report That Pessimists Die Sooner No Big Surprise to Pessimists
“People who are overly pessimistic tend to have worse health long-term than their more positive peers, US researchers report.” – Reuters, Aug. 13 New York (SatireWire.com) – A study issued Tuesday claiming that pessimists have more long-term health [Read More]
New Attention Deficit Drug Is… Um…
New York, N.Y (SatireWire.com) – Drugmaker Eli Lilly and Co. on Wednesday said that late-stage tests of its experimental treatment for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) showed it to be look there’s a squirrel I don’t like that song. [Read More]
NASA Just Goes Ahead and Launches Satellite
Vandenberg Air Force Base, Calif. (SatireWire.com) – NASA today said it launched a $952 million satellite this morning “just for the hell of it.” “Oh, what the fuck,” said NASA Project Manager James Arnaut, recalling his final words before [Read More]
Cloning White People Deemed Redundant
Seoul, South Korea (SatireWire.com) – Spurred by disturbing claims that three women may already be pregnant with the first human clones, a group of Asian, African, and Hispanic scientists today declared that while genetic research may prove beneficial to mankind, the [Read More]
Americans Told to Have Sex with the Dutch
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Reacting to a new report claiming young people in the Netherlands are less likely than their American counterparts to get pregnant or carry sexually transmitted diseases, U.S. health officials today announced that America’s [Read More]
Nebula Alleges Hubble Pics Faked
Vicinity of M17 (SatireWire.com) – The Omega nebula, also known as the Horseshoe nebula or M17, filed suit today against the U.S. government and NASA claiming recently released pictures allegedly taken by the Hubble Space Telescope were faked. “Anybody who knows [Read More]
Idiot Dad Recommends Great Web Sight
Ann Arbor, Mich. (SatireWire.com) – For the third time in as many days, 48-year-old Richard Cauthen, father of 20-year-old college student Brian Cauthen, sent an email to his son recommending a “really great web sight.” “This sight is really good. I [Read More]
BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Microsoft announced this week that a version of its Windows operating system will be installed in BMW’s new 7 Series cars, a move analysts say will dramatically increase the vehicle’s ability to suddenly crash for no [Read More]
Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh
San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh. In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company [Read More]
