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RANKED 25th IN WORLD IN MATH, U.S. STUDENTS GLAD TO “BE IN TOP 10″

RANKED 25th IN WORLD IN MATH, U.S. STUDENTS GLAD TO “BE IN TOP 10″

VIENNA, AUSTRIA (SatireWire.com) – A key academic assessment released today ranked America’s high schoolers 25th in the world in math, a showing that pleased U.S. students who figure that at least keeps them in the top 1O. [Read More]

STUDY FINDS WOMEN WHO DRINK WAY MORE FUN TO STUDY

STUDY FINDS WOMEN WHO DRINK WAY MORE FUN TO STUDY

Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) -- According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol. The report also found that women [Read More]

VIAGRA SPILL REVIVES LAKE MICHIGAN

VIAGRA SPILL REVIVES LAKE MICHIGAN

Chicago (SatireWire.com) - A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern [Read More]

BAD PLANET! JUPITER DOING SOMETHING WRONG

BAD PLANET! JUPITER DOING SOMETHING WRONG

Out There (SatireWire.com) - For the second time in a week, humanity watched in fear and awe as a mysterious arm, estimated to be some 3 million light years across, once again appeared to part the black fabric of space, point an angry finger directly at Jupiter, and shout, [Read More]

KNIVES, TANKS, WHALES – AIRPORT SCREENERS NOW FAILING TO CATCH ANYTHING

KNIVES, TANKS, WHALES – AIRPORT SCREENERS NOW FAILING TO CATCH ANYTHING

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In a troubling sign that investigators may be getting bored with their success smuggling guns and knives onto airplanes, the U.S. Department of Transportation today disclosed that its agents have recently cleared airport security [Read More]

OY, YOU NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER’S WEB SITE

OY, YOU NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER’S WEB SITE

Miami, Fla. (SatireWire.com) -- I'm thinking of divorcing your father. Oh, you didn't know that, Mr. I-have-no-time-for-the-woman-who-bore-me-and-taught-me-HTML? Well, if you ever bothered to drop by your mother's web site, just once in a while, spare just a few of your [Read More]

AMERICANS ANNOYED BY “ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL SHIT” ON INTERNET

AMERICANS ANNOYED BY “ALL THIS INTERNATIONAL SHIT” ON INTERNET

Web’s Increasingly Worldly Flavor Threatens Americans’ Worldview PULLMAN, WASH. (SatireWire.com) – The profusion of international news available on the Internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world, a [Read More]

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn’t Like Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec’s AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by [Read More]

INVESTORS STUNNED TO LEARN CISCO NOT JUST STOCK, ALSO COMPANY THAT MAKES THINGS

INVESTORS STUNNED TO LEARN CISCO NOT JUST STOCK, ALSO COMPANY THAT MAKES THINGS

Betrayed Shareholders Not Particularly Interested in Routers, Switches San Jose, Cal. (SatireWire.com) – The rumors about Cisco Systems have been circulating for months, but the earnings warning and plunge in its share price Tuesday left little doubt in [Read More]

JUDGE DENIES BIAS AGAINST “GUILTY MICROSOFT BASTARDS”

JUDGE DENIES BIAS AGAINST “GUILTY MICROSOFT BASTARDS”

“My Published Comments About Those Evil Pricks Were Misconstrued,” Jackson Says Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Attempting to keep both his reputation and ruling intact, Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson today apologized for his derogatory public remarks [Read More]

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ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA

ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA

White House officials today said President Trump’s claim that his handling of Hurricane Maria was a “tremendous [Read More]

MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS

MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS

Just a month after changing its name from ‘Good Day, Tallahassee’ to ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ WFPE’s early [Read More]

TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL

TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL

PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks. SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them [Read More]

TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING

TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to keep Russia from interfering with democracy, the Trump administration today [Read More]

TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE

TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE

President Donald Trump today accepted an offer by Russian President Vladimir Putin to use “impartial” Russian [Read More]

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