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ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH

ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH

STATIONARY ORBIT (SatireWire.com) - Disturbed by ruthless terrorist attacks and raging war, the crew of the starship Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's Prime Directive and intervene in [Read More]

SURPRISE SETTLEMENT EVENLY SPLITS MICROSOFT; ONE FIRM TO MAKE SOFTWARE, OTHER TO MAKE PATCHES

SURPRISE SETTLEMENT EVENLY SPLITS MICROSOFT; ONE FIRM TO MAKE SOFTWARE, OTHER TO MAKE PATCHES

Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies – one that will continue to make [Read More]

AMAZING NEW “SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER” APPARENTLY NOT TESTED FOR ACRONYM

AMAZING NEW “SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER” APPARENTLY NOT TESTED FOR ACRONYM

( If You’d Prefer a Less Subtle Version of This Story, Click Here) Honestly, We’re Not Making This SHT Up Manchester, N.H (SatireWire.com) – After a year-long buildup during which it was known as the mysterious “Ginger” or “IT,” the [Read More]

AMAZING NEW “SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER” APPARENTLY NOT CHECKED FOR ACRONYM

AMAZING NEW “SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER” APPARENTLY NOT CHECKED FOR ACRONYM

( If You’d Prefer a More Subtle Version of This Story, Click Here) Honestly, We’re Not Making This SHT Up Manchester, N.H (SatireWire.com) – After a year-long buildup during which it was known as the mysterious “Ginger” or “IT,” the [Read More]

INVENTOR UNVEILS MACHINE THAT’S NOT A GODDAMN SCOOTER, OK?

INVENTOR UNVEILS MACHINE THAT’S NOT A GODDAMN SCOOTER, OK?

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – After a year of intense speculation and unprecedented hype, inventor Dean Kamen on Monday unveiled the “It’s Not a Goddamn Scooter, OK?”, a revolutionary transportation device that emulates human balance, travels up [Read More]

BIN LADEN FEARED TO HAVE SEGWAY SCOOTER

BIN LADEN FEARED TO HAVE SEGWAY SCOOTER

Has Threatened to Produce Transportation Device of Mass Distribution Kandahar, Afghanistan (SatireWire.com) – U.S. forces searching an abandoned Al Qaeda hideout today said they found diagrams of skateboards, gyroscopic technology, and a drawing of Osama bin Laden [Read More]

SEGWAY TO SPREAD CLASSIC AMERICAN LOOK

SEGWAY TO SPREAD CLASSIC AMERICAN LOOK

Big, Slow, Unwilling to Go Short Distances Under Own Power In Europe, the product will be sold under the name SegWeight Madrid, Spain (SatireWire.com) – Thrilled by the new Segway Human Transporter’s ability to eliminate short walks to the store, school, or [Read More]

ANTI-TERROR BILL REQUIRES AMERICANS TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP

ANTI-TERROR BILL REQUIRES AMERICANS TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP

F.B.I. Predicts New Microsoft OS May Render Carnivore Obsolete Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Bush signed sweeping anti-terrorism legislation Friday that gives police unprecedented ability to search and eavesdrop by requiring all Americans to install [Read More]

JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY

JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY

Alternative OS Maker Used Anti-Competitive Practices Against Itself Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department Friday announced a settlement in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple Computer, as both sides [Read More]

DELL FONDLY “RECALLS” LAPTOP BATTERIES

DELL FONDLY “RECALLS” LAPTOP BATTERIES

Replacing Faulty Inspiron Battery More Hazardous Than Thinking About It Round Rock, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Dell Computer, which on Thursday said it would recall nearly 300,000 faulty notebook computer batteries, said today it should have used the word [Read More]

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GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18

GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18

BIRMINGHAM, AL - Following Roy Moore’s surprise loss to Democrat Doug Jones in the Alabama Senate race Tuesday, the [Read More]

For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey

For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey

In order to survive, we straight, white, Christian males need to stop acting like predators and begin acting like prey. [Read More]

TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE

TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE

FATHER: Son, did you steal $20 from your mother’s purse? SON: No. [Read More]

PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS

PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS

House Speaker Paul Ryan was rushed to a hospital today after negotiations over House and Senate tax reform bills caused [Read More]

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

TOKYO (SatireWire.com) – Reclusive CEO-turned-Secretary-of-State Rex Tillerson has been spotted in Asia cozying up [Read More]

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