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Business Briefs

Big Tobacco Can’t Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Big Tobacco Can’t Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Miami, Fla. (SatireWire.com) - Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook and declared they will buy more cigarettes to keep the defendants in [Read More]

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Newark, N.J. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to a dramatic rise in complaints over flight delays, several major airlines announced today they will no longer attach “stress-inducing” numbers to arrival and departure times, but will instead use a variety of [Read More]

CDNow Wins Patent for Loss-Based Revenue Model

CDNow Wins Patent for Loss-Based Revenue Model

Fort Washington, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – Online music seller CDNow, desperately in need of cash, may have staved off its demise by virtue of its recently awarded patent for “an Internet business model in which expenditures permanently exceed revenues.” [Read More]

DrKoop.com Ordered to Display Warning Label

DrKoop.com Ordered to Display Warning Label

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The Securities and Exchange Commission today declared troubled health site DrKoop.com a public finance hazard and ordered that it display a warning label alerting the public to the dangers of investing in the company. The label, a [Read More]

IMF Rate Hike Suggestion Proves Hike Not Needed

IMF Rate Hike Suggestion Proves Hike Not Needed

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In what analysts are calling “a definitive sign” that Fed rate hikes have indeed quelled the U.S. economy and are no longer necessary, the International Monetary Fund this week advised the Fed that rate hikes have not [Read More]

OPEC RELENTS, WILL “SUCK EARTH DRY”

OPEC RELENTS, WILL “SUCK EARTH DRY”

Dubai, United Arab Emirates (Satirewire.com) – In the face of worldwide anger over steep oil prices, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries today voted to increase production to 50 billion barrels of oil per second, a pace which it said will “suck the [Read More]

Airlines “Dismayed” by Mid-Air Merger Test

Airlines “Dismayed” by Mid-Air Merger Test

Elk Grove, Ill. (SatireWire.com) - The pending merger of United Airlines and U.S. Air hit a snag yesterday after a planned mid-air collision between United and U.S. Air jets suggested it may be difficult to merge the two companies’ equipment and personnel. “In [Read More]

MP3 TO STEAL, SELL YOUR STUFF

MP3 TO STEAL, SELL YOUR STUFF

San Diego, Cal. (SatireWire.com) - Stunned that a court ruled its unauthorized distribution of music through an online database broke copyright laws, MP3.Com announced this morning it still believes in its business model, but will abandon music and instead sell [Read More]

TEARS, ANGER ON EMOTIONAL DAY FOR STOCKS

TEARS, ANGER ON EMOTIONAL DAY FOR STOCKS

Kansas City, Mo. (Satirewire.com) – Bullish remarks by Sprint Communications caused the entire telecom sector to rise in sympathy yesterday, while energy stocks vacillated between empathy and apathy for transportation stocks, which sagged with regret after financial [Read More]

Consumer Confidence Falls; Teens Questioned

Consumer Confidence Falls; Teens Questioned

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – A pair of Brooklyn teenagers were being held on suspicion they played the old ‘duck and tumble’ trick on Consumer Confidence, which fell in June for the first time in months. “Consumer Confidence has been very [Read More]

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Latest Topics

GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18

GOP MAY RECONSIDER PLAN TO RUN SLATE OF RACIST PEDOPHILES IN ’18

BIRMINGHAM, AL - Following Roy Moore’s surprise loss to Democrat Doug Jones in the Alabama Senate race Tuesday, the [Read More]

For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey

For White Men to Survive, We Need to Start Acting Like Prey

In order to survive, we straight, white, Christian males need to stop acting like predators and begin acting like prey. [Read More]

TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE

TEENAGER USES ROY MOORE DEFENSE

FATHER: Son, did you steal $20 from your mother’s purse? SON: No. [Read More]

PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS

PAUL RYAN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS

House Speaker Paul Ryan was rushed to a hospital today after negotiations over House and Senate tax reform bills caused [Read More]

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

TOKYO (SatireWire.com) – Reclusive CEO-turned-Secretary-of-State Rex Tillerson has been spotted in Asia cozying up [Read More]

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