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Big Tobacco Can’t Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Big Tobacco Can’t Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Miami, Fla. (SatireWire.com) - Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook and declared they will buy more cigarettes to keep the defendants in [Read More]

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

Newark, N.J. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to a dramatic rise in complaints over flight delays, several major airlines announced today they will no longer attach “stress-inducing” numbers to arrival and departure times, but will instead use a variety of [Read More]

CDNow Wins Patent for Loss-Based Revenue Model

CDNow Wins Patent for Loss-Based Revenue Model

Fort Washington, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – Online music seller CDNow, desperately in need of cash, may have staved off its demise by virtue of its recently awarded patent for “an Internet business model in which expenditures permanently exceed revenues.” [Read More]

DrKoop.com Ordered to Display Warning Label

DrKoop.com Ordered to Display Warning Label

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The Securities and Exchange Commission today declared troubled health site DrKoop.com a public finance hazard and ordered that it display a warning label alerting the public to the dangers of investing in the company. The label, a [Read More]

IMF Rate Hike Suggestion Proves Hike Not Needed

IMF Rate Hike Suggestion Proves Hike Not Needed

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In what analysts are calling “a definitive sign” that Fed rate hikes have indeed quelled the U.S. economy and are no longer necessary, the International Monetary Fund this week advised the Fed that rate hikes have not [Read More]

OPEC RELENTS, WILL “SUCK EARTH DRY”

OPEC RELENTS, WILL “SUCK EARTH DRY”

Dubai, United Arab Emirates (Satirewire.com) – In the face of worldwide anger over steep oil prices, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries today voted to increase production to 50 billion barrels of oil per second, a pace which it said will “suck the [Read More]

Airlines “Dismayed” by Mid-Air Merger Test

Airlines “Dismayed” by Mid-Air Merger Test

Elk Grove, Ill. (SatireWire.com) - The pending merger of United Airlines and U.S. Air hit a snag yesterday after a planned mid-air collision between United and U.S. Air jets suggested it may be difficult to merge the two companies’ equipment and personnel. “In [Read More]

MP3 TO STEAL, SELL YOUR STUFF

MP3 TO STEAL, SELL YOUR STUFF

San Diego, Cal. (SatireWire.com) - Stunned that a court ruled its unauthorized distribution of music through an online database broke copyright laws, MP3.Com announced this morning it still believes in its business model, but will abandon music and instead sell [Read More]

TEARS, ANGER ON EMOTIONAL DAY FOR STOCKS

TEARS, ANGER ON EMOTIONAL DAY FOR STOCKS

Kansas City, Mo. (Satirewire.com) – Bullish remarks by Sprint Communications caused the entire telecom sector to rise in sympathy yesterday, while energy stocks vacillated between empathy and apathy for transportation stocks, which sagged with regret after financial [Read More]

Consumer Confidence Falls; Teens Questioned

Consumer Confidence Falls; Teens Questioned

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – A pair of Brooklyn teenagers were being held on suspicion they played the old ‘duck and tumble’ trick on Consumer Confidence, which fell in June for the first time in months. “Consumer Confidence has been very [Read More]

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Latest Topics

ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA

ALTERNATIVE PUERTO RICO THRIVING AFTER HURRICANE MARIA

White House officials today said President Trump’s claim that his handling of Hurricane Maria was a “tremendous [Read More]

MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS

MORNING SHOW ‘FUCK NO, TALLAHASSEE’ TOPS TV RATINGS

Just a month after changing its name from ‘Good Day, Tallahassee’ to ‘Fuck No, Tallahassee,’ WFPE’s early [Read More]

TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL

TRUMP TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, STACKED INTO BORDER WALL

PRES. TRUMP: We’ll call ‘em cinderbacks. Or wetbricks. SESSIONS: We can poll the base to see which makes them [Read More]

TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING

TRUMP CANCELS 2018 MIDTERMS TO THWART RUSSIAN MEDDLING

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to keep Russia from interfering with democracy, the Trump administration today [Read More]

TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE

TRUMP WILL DEPLOY RUSSIAN TROOPS TO PURGE U.S. DEEP STATE

President Donald Trump today accepted an offer by Russian President Vladimir Putin to use “impartial” Russian [Read More]

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