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Business Briefs

MCI Offers New “Friends and Family and FBI” Plan

MCI Offers New “Friends and Family and FBI” Plan

Clinton, Miss. (SatireWire.com) – Promising to save you money on the calls you make the most, MCI today unveiled its new “Friends and Family and FBI” plan, allowing customers to add any branch office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation to their circle [Read More]

85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a new Gallup poll on the dehumanizing aspects of job loss, nearly 85 percent of the nation’s 2.96 million unemployed said they “agreed somewhat” or “agreed strongly” with the statement, “I am [Read More]

Consumer Reports Says Consumer Reports Unsafe

<i>Consumer Reports</i> Says <i>Consumer Reports</i> Unsafe

Yonkers, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Consumer Reports today issued a product safety warning on Consumer Reports, saying the popular magazine can easily overturn, has been linked to numerous hand lacerations, and is highly flammable. In its August 2001 issue, the respected [Read More]

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles (SatireWire.com) – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the largest ISP to someday declare bankruptcy. In the press [Read More]

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly 430,000 National Guard troops to patrol the streets of major American [Read More]

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out its own discount Internet service this fall, offering [Read More]

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,” and instead measure success by calculating [Read More]

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Brian Hogan, a perennial Wall Street bear who has been predicting a stock market decline since early 1997, is acting like a complete ass now that he appears to be right. “What’s up guys, why all the sad faces?” Hogan [Read More]

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Chicago, Ill. (SatireWire.com – The nation’s rapidly growing army of unemployed breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday after Chicago Fed Chief Michael Moskow announced that the U.S. economy is not in a recession. “This just goes to show you that [Read More]

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Philadelphia, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – In a study that has infuriated business and public relations executives, University of Pennsylvania researchers concluded the reason many companies falter is not due to the economy, increases in material costs, or wage pressures, [Read More]

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Latest Topics

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, [Read More]

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical [Read More]

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson [Read More]

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed [Read More]

GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH

GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH

EDINBURGH (SatireWire.com) – The Lord God Almighty, executive producer of the long-running Life on Earth, has [Read More]

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