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Business Briefs

Wall Street Suffers Worst Setback Since Yesterday

Wall Street Suffers Worst Setback Since Yesterday

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Stocks took another beating yesterday in what analysts are now calling the worst day on Wall Street since the day before yesterday. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell to a record low, while the Nasdaq plunged even further. The last [Read More]

Martha Stewart Says Laws Only Apply To People

Martha Stewart Says Laws Only Apply To People

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – In a deft legal maneuver, lawyers representing Martha Stewart todaydemanded that investigations of the uber domestician be dropped, pointing out that U.S. securities laws only prohibit insider trading committed by humans. Attorneys [Read More]

Your Work Habits Explained

Your Work Habits Explained

New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) – Stick with us for a moment while we explain your situation. According to the latest jobless statistics, 6 percent of Americans are unemployed, meaning that 94 percent are employed, or at least not complaining. If we assume this 94 [Read More]

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh. In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company [Read More]

Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs

Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs

Seattle, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Pigs flying over the frozen landscape of hell reported that online retailer Amazon.com turned in the first profit in its history on Tuesday, just moments after the sun set in the East. “Amazon is proud to announce that in our [Read More]

Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen

Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen

Chicago (SatireWire.com) – Ailing retail giant Kmart today announced it would not have to declare bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of company finances whatsoever. “Our previous accounting [Read More]

AP, Reuters in Pitched Spelling Battle

AP, Reuters in Pitched Spelling Battle

London (SatireWire.com) – The war for Afghanistan intensified today as rival factions from Reuters and the Associated Press launched vicious attacks against one another over whether the United States is fighting Osama bin Laden’s al Qaeda network, or Osama bin [Read More]

World Bank Wants to Help Afghans Amass Staggering Debt Burden

World Bank Wants to Help Afghans Amass Staggering Debt Burden

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The World Bank this week said it plans to extend loans to rebuild Afghanistan once a new government is installed, a pledge bank officials and Afghan opposition leaders agree virtually ensures that the war-torn country’s [Read More]

Airline’s New “Fly, Goddamnit” Campaign Not Taking Off

Airline’s New “Fly, Goddamnit” Campaign Not Taking Off

Chicago (SatireWire.com) – Marketing executives from United Airlines said today they are still searching for just the right tone to lure the public back into the skies after their new “Fly, Goddamnit” ad campaign was an immediate failure with consumers. [Read More]

Lucent Stays Focused on Losing Money

Lucent Stays Focused on Losing Money

Murray Hill, N.J. (SatireWire.com) – In the most hopeful sign yet that the American economy may be returning to normal, Lucent Technologies posted another staggering quarterly loss on Tuesday. Lucent CEO Henry Schacht said posting the $8.8 billion net loss, its fourth [Read More]

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Latest Topics

BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA

BOWING TO GOP PRESSURE, OBAMA AGREES TO BE EMPEROR OF AMERICA

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After repeatedly being labeled a dictator by Republicans and conservative media, [Read More]

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

NEW JERSEY (SatireWire.com) – A new poll shows nine in 10 Americans support a mandatory quarantine for someone who [Read More]

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, [Read More]

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical [Read More]

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson [Read More]

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