International
SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS
LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed Thursday’s vote for Scottish independence was an elaborate ruse meant to root out Scottish radicals, whose public “Yes” votes will now condemn them to [Read More]
RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir Putin announced today he will also have to annex St. Petersburg, Fla., Moscow, Idaho, Odessa, Texas, Siberia, Ind., and the Russian River Valley in [Read More]
U.N. REPORT CONCLUDES SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – An exhaustive, year-long United Nations report on the deteriorating state of the world has concluded that somebody should do something. [Read More]
FORD ADMITS HE ALSO MIGHT HAVE MURDERED GUY IN DRUNKEN STUPOR
TORONTO (SatireWire.com) – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford today admitted to smoking crack cocaine “in one of my drunken stupors,” but refused to resign, insisting he has many types of drunken stupors and will not let his “crack cocaine” drunken stupors interfere [Read More]
ISRAEL CLAIMS IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE BOMBING IN NEIGHBORHOOD
By An Israeli Warplane -- I know, right? I looks kinda awkward that I “just happened” to bomb Damascus Sunday, but that’s what happened. It wasn’t, like, planned or anything. It wasn’t like I went out of my way. I was just bombing in the neighborhood. Honestly. [Read More]
CIA DEFENDS BRIBES, SAYS KARZAI VERY HELPFUL, ALSO SOLID GOLD
KABUL (SatireWire.com) -- The CIA today vehemently denied that tens of millions of dollars in cash secretly paid to Afghan leaders was wasted or “simply disappeared,” pointing out that if that were true, Afghan President Hamid Karzai would not now be made of solid gold. [Read More]
NORTH KOREA RELEASES VIDEO OF AMERICANS EATING FOOD
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- In its latest video effort to stoke anti-U.S. sentiment among its citizens, North Korean today released a four-minute video showing Americans eating food. [Read More]
PAPAL FRONTRUNNERS EXPOSED (not like that)
VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) -- Here are the leading candidates to replace Pope Benedict XVI, arranged in random order, unless you don't believe in random, in which case the first guy is the next pope. Obviously. [Read More]
TALIBAN ALSO WILL ARM WOMEN TO FIGHT OPPRESSORS… OH, WAIT
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to America’s decision to allow women in combat, Taliban leaders today vowed to give guns to their women too so they could fight off their oppressors, until they realized that would be them. [Read More]
NORTH KOREA WARNS MISSILES CAN REACH U.S. IN 2 DAYS VIA UPS
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to South Korea’s recent deal with the United States to extend the range of its missiles, North Korea surprised the world Tuesday by claiming it now has missiles that can reach the U.S. mainland. If those missiles are sent via UPS 2nd [Read More]
