International
FORD ADMITS HE ALSO MIGHT HAVE MURDERED GUY IN DRUNKEN STUPOR
TORONTO (SatireWire.com) – Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford today admitted to smoking crack cocaine “in one of my drunken stupors,” but refused to resign, insisting he has many types of drunken stupors and will not let his “crack cocaine” drunken stupors interfere [Read More]
ISRAEL CLAIMS IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE BOMBING IN NEIGHBORHOOD
By An Israeli Warplane -- I know, right? I looks kinda awkward that I “just happened” to bomb Damascus Sunday, but that’s what happened. It wasn’t, like, planned or anything. It wasn’t like I went out of my way. I was just bombing in the neighborhood. Honestly. [Read More]
CIA DEFENDS BRIBES, SAYS KARZAI VERY HELPFUL, ALSO SOLID GOLD
KABUL (SatireWire.com) -- The CIA today vehemently denied that tens of millions of dollars in cash secretly paid to Afghan leaders was wasted or “simply disappeared,” pointing out that if that were true, Afghan President Hamid Karzai would not now be made of solid gold. [Read More]
NORTH KOREA RELEASES VIDEO OF AMERICANS EATING FOOD
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- In its latest video effort to stoke anti-U.S. sentiment among its citizens, North Korean today released a four-minute video showing Americans eating food. [Read More]
PAPAL FRONTRUNNERS EXPOSED (not like that)
VATICAN CITY (SatireWire.com) -- Here are the leading candidates to replace Pope Benedict XVI, arranged in random order, unless you don't believe in random, in which case the first guy is the next pope. Obviously. [Read More]
TALIBAN ALSO WILL ARM WOMEN TO FIGHT OPPRESSORS… OH, WAIT
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Responding to America’s decision to allow women in combat, Taliban leaders today vowed to give guns to their women too so they could fight off their oppressors, until they realized that would be them. [Read More]
NORTH KOREA WARNS MISSILES CAN REACH U.S. IN 2 DAYS VIA UPS
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to South Korea’s recent deal with the United States to extend the range of its missiles, North Korea surprised the world Tuesday by claiming it now has missiles that can reach the U.S. mainland. If those missiles are sent via UPS 2nd [Read More]
N. KOREA APPARENTLY PLANS TO LITTER WORLD INTO SUBMISSION
PYONGYANG (SatireWire.com) -- North Korea on Thursday launched what appears to be a new type of disintegrating missile that officials warn could pose a significant threat to any nation other than the one it’s pointed at. [Read More]
U.S., ISRAEL AGREE ISRAEL DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT U.S. THINKS
WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In what aides described as a “cordial, constructive” meeting on Iran’s nuclear threat, President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu agreed Monday that Israel really doesn’t give a shit what the U.S. thinks. [Read More]
STUDY CONCLUDES BEIJING IS 13 HOURS AHEAD OF WASHINGTON
WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- A three-year government economic study has concluded the U.S. has fallen behind China because Beijing is 13 hours ahead of Washington and therefore knows what’s going to happen more than half a day before the United States. [Read More]
