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NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS

NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS

NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) -- Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they took were simply awkward attempts at humor. [Read More]

JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING

JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING

NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – With seven consecutive strong games under his belt, point guard sensation Jeremy Lin has set a New York Knicks franchise record for not sucking. [Read More]

SENIOR COMMITS TO TELLING FOLKS HE WAS RECRUITED BY ALABAMA

SENIOR COMMITS TO TELLING FOLKS HE WAS RECRUITED BY ALABAMA

NORFOLK, VA. (SatireWire.com) -- Ending a dramatic 24 hours for college football, Jimmy Taswell-Berk, a second-string senior quarterback and one of the nation’s most mediocre high school players, has committed to telling drunk girls at parties that he was recruited by the [Read More]

JESUS LEAVES BRONCOS, SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS

JESUS LEAVES BRONCOS, SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS

BOSTON (SatireWire.com) – Tired of living in Tim Tebow’s shadow, Jesus Christ left the Denver Broncos today and signed as a free agent with the New England Patriots, who will face Denver in an intriguing AFC playoff game on Saturday. [Read More]

PENN STATE, SYRACUSE TO FACE OFF IN DENIAL BOWL

PENN STATE, SYRACUSE TO FACE OFF IN DENIAL BOWL

HOUSTON, TX (SatireWire.com) – Penn State and Syracuse will face each other in the inaugural BP-Herman Cain-Blackberry-Catholic Church Denial Bowl on Christmas morning, school officials announced today. [Read More]

RAYS PLAN PLAYER’S DEATH TO INSPIRE VICTORY

RAYS PLAN PLAYER’S DEATH TO INSPIRE VICTORY

TAMPA, FL (SatireWire.com) – Eight games behind the division leaders and losing confidence, the Tampa Bay Rays today announced one of their players will have to be killed in order to inspire the team to win the championship in his memory. [Read More]

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay. [Read More]

BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN

BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- The Chicago Bulls took game one from the Miami Heat 103-82 on Sunday thanks to hot shooting from point guard Derrick Rose and a crucial 3rd quarter timeout where the team got new tattoos. [Read More]

TIRED OF FAVRE, GOD COLLAPSES METRODOME

TIRED OF FAVRE, GOD COLLAPSES METRODOME

MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. (SatireWire.com) – Declaring He’s “about had it up to here,” a frustrated God said today the collapse of the Metrodome roof on Sunday was not a blessing in disguise for Brett Favre, but a rather obvious message, He thought, to the injured Vikings [Read More]

TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)

TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)

WINDEREMERE, FL (SatireWire.com) -- His reputation destroyed by addictions to sex and himself, Tiger Woods began using his Twitter account today, his advisors hoping a chatty, down-to-earth persona will somehow make people forget he's Tiger Woods. What follows is the [Read More]

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NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM

NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM

LIEGE, BELGIUM (SatireWire.com) -- In an astounding development, scientists say the seven newly discovered exoplanets [Read More]

TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+

TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In what it called a "show of great compassion," the Trump administration today [Read More]

GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS

GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In what they called a historic compromise, Republicans in Congress today said they [Read More]

CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS

CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The congressional cloakroom, where representatives and senators traditionally [Read More]

FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE

FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The U.S. Secret Service today apprehended a man they said was attempting to scale [Read More]

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