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POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) -- In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay teammate fuck them if it helped them win the Super Bowl. [Read More]

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics. [Read More]

NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued opponents last weekend based solely on the color of their uniforms. [Read More]

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting back on the recruitment of sissies and pansies. [Read More]

ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS

ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS

BRISTOL, CT (SatireWire.com) – Every one of the 1.2 billion NCAA tournament brackets submitted online to ESPN predicts that China’s Tsinghua University will beat the "University of Kansastan” to win the national basketball championship, according to ESPN, which [Read More]

PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) -- Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort during a bail hearing today, saying he feared the officer constantly at [Read More]

LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH

LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH

AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place. [Read More]

MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN

MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN

(SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of Manti Te’o, the love of my not-actual life, is real. [Read More]

NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS

NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS

NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) -- Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they took were simply awkward attempts at humor. [Read More]

JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING

JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING

NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – With seven consecutive strong games under his belt, point guard sensation Jeremy Lin has set a New York Knicks franchise record for not sucking. [Read More]

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Latest Topics

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I [Read More]

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to [Read More]

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

“People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” says one Yale University admissions [Read More]

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir [Read More]

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) -- Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian [Read More]

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