Sports
LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH
AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place. [Read More]
MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN
(SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of Manti Te’o, the love of my not-actual life, is real. [Read More]
NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS
NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) -- Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they took were simply awkward attempts at humor. [Read More]
JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING
NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – With seven consecutive strong games under his belt, point guard sensation Jeremy Lin has set a New York Knicks franchise record for not sucking. [Read More]
SENIOR COMMITS TO TELLING FOLKS HE WAS RECRUITED BY ALABAMA
NORFOLK, VA. (SatireWire.com) -- Ending a dramatic 24 hours for college football, Jimmy Taswell-Berk, a second-string senior quarterback and one of the nation’s most mediocre high school players, has committed to telling drunk girls at parties that he was recruited by the [Read More]
JESUS LEAVES BRONCOS, SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS
BOSTON (SatireWire.com) – Tired of living in Tim Tebow’s shadow, Jesus Christ left the Denver Broncos today and signed as a free agent with the New England Patriots, who will face Denver in an intriguing AFC playoff game on Saturday. [Read More]
PENN STATE, SYRACUSE TO FACE OFF IN DENIAL BOWL
HOUSTON, TX (SatireWire.com) – Penn State and Syracuse will face each other in the inaugural BP-Herman Cain-Blackberry-Catholic Church Denial Bowl on Christmas morning, school officials announced today. [Read More]
RAYS PLAN PLAYER’S DEATH TO INSPIRE VICTORY
TAMPA, FL (SatireWire.com) – Eight games behind the division leaders and losing confidence, the Tampa Bay Rays today announced one of their players will have to be killed in order to inspire the team to win the championship in his memory. [Read More]
NOAH APOLOGIZES, SAYS ANTI-GAY REMARK WAS TOTALLY GAY
CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- In an in-depth interview on ESPN, Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah apologized again for making an anti-gay remark to a fan during a recent playoff game, saying his words were stupid and totally gay. [Read More]
BULLS GET CRUCIAL NEW TATTOOS DURING WIN
CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) -- The Chicago Bulls took game one from the Miami Heat 103-82 on Sunday thanks to hot shooting from point guard Derrick Rose and a crucial 3rd quarter timeout where the team got new tattoos. [Read More]
