Sports
NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued opponents last weekend based solely on the color of their uniforms. [Read More]
RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting back on the recruitment of sissies and pansies. [Read More]
ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS
BRISTOL, CT (SatireWire.com) – Every one of the 1.2 billion NCAA tournament brackets submitted online to ESPN predicts that China’s Tsinghua University will beat the "University of Kansastan” to win the national basketball championship, according to ESPN, which [Read More]
PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER
PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) -- Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort during a bail hearing today, saying he feared the officer constantly at [Read More]
LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH
AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place. [Read More]
MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN
(SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of Manti Te’o, the love of my not-actual life, is real. [Read More]
NFL PLAYERS SAY INJURING OPPONENTS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS
NEW ORLEANS (SatireWire.com) -- Taking a page from Rush Limbaugh’s penitent play book, NFL defenders who won cash bounties for injuring opponents apologized today, explaining that the “kill shots” they took were simply awkward attempts at humor. [Read More]
JEREMY LIN SETS KNICKS RECORD FOR NOT SUCKING
NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) – With seven consecutive strong games under his belt, point guard sensation Jeremy Lin has set a New York Knicks franchise record for not sucking. [Read More]
SENIOR COMMITS TO TELLING FOLKS HE WAS RECRUITED BY ALABAMA
NORFOLK, VA. (SatireWire.com) -- Ending a dramatic 24 hours for college football, Jimmy Taswell-Berk, a second-string senior quarterback and one of the nation’s most mediocre high school players, has committed to telling drunk girls at parties that he was recruited by the [Read More]
JESUS LEAVES BRONCOS, SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS
BOSTON (SatireWire.com) – Tired of living in Tim Tebow’s shadow, Jesus Christ left the Denver Broncos today and signed as a free agent with the New England Patriots, who will face Denver in an intriguing AFC playoff game on Saturday. [Read More]
