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FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

FIFA ORDERS SUAREZ TO BE PUT DOWN

NATAL, BRAZIL (SatireWire.com) -- After a third biting incident in four years, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez will be put down, football’s governing body ruled today. [Read More]

STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS

STERLING WILLING TO SELL CLIPPERS IF HE CAN STILL OWN BLACK PLAYERS

LOS ANGELES (SatireWire.com) – In a last-ditch effort to compromise with the NBA, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling today said he is willing to sell the franchise as long as he still gets to keep the team's African-American players as his personal property. [Read More]

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

POLL: 90% OF NFL WOULD LET GAY PLAYER FUCK THEM IF IT MEANS WINS

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) -- In a new poll that belies the perception that pro football is homophobic, more 90 percent of NFL players said they would let a gay teammate fuck them if it helped them win the Super Bowl. [Read More]

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

XANAX NAMED OFFICIAL ANTI-ANXIETAL OF SOCHI OLYMPICS

SOCHI, RUSSIA (SatireWire.com) – In response to endless travel warnings about suicide bombers, separatist plots and potential catastrophe, Xanax today was named the official anti-anxiety medication of the Sochi Winter Olympics. [Read More]

NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NFL PLAYERS MAY FACE HATE CRIMES FOR TARGETING UNIFORM COLOR

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 700 National Football League players may be charged with federal hate crimes after they purposely attacked and subdued opponents last weekend based solely on the color of their uniforms. [Read More]

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

RUTGERS FIRES ABUSIVE COACH, VOWS TO STOP RECRUITING PANSIES

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ (SatireWire.com) – An apologetic Rutgers University fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice today and promised to clamp down on anti-gay, derogatory slurs in its program by cutting back on the recruitment of sissies and pansies. [Read More]

ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS

ESPN SUSPECTS HACK AS TSINGHUA UNIV. LEADS NCAA BRACKET PICKS

BRISTOL, CT (SatireWire.com) – Every one of the 1.2 billion NCAA tournament brackets submitted online to ESPN predicts that China’s Tsinghua University will beat the "University of Kansastan” to win the national basketball championship, according to ESPN, which [Read More]

PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PISTORIUS ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS GUARD, FEARING HE WAS STALKER

PRETORIA (SatireWire.com) -- Murder suspect Oscar Pistorius, who claims he accidentally gunned down his girlfriend in the bathroom because he feared she was a burglar, mistakenly shot his police escort during a bail hearing today, saying he feared the officer constantly at [Read More]

LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH

LANCE ARMSTRONG CALLS SELF LIAR, DENIES HE SPOKE TO OPRAH

AUSTIN, TX (SatireWire.com) — Lance Armstrong today lashed out at himself for confessing to Oprah Winfrey, calling himself a liar and threatening to sue anyone, including himself, who claims they saw or heard the interview, which he also insisted never took place. [Read More]

MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN

MANTI TE’O’S GIRLFRIEND SPEAKS OUT FROM FAKE HEAVEN

(SatireWire.com) – I may be up here in fake heaven with the make-believe angels and the cardboard St. Peter and the CGI Pearly Gates, but my outrage on behalf of Manti Te’o, the love of my not-actual life, is real. [Read More]

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Latest Topics

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s [Read More]

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously [Read More]

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as [Read More]

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