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85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a new Gallup poll on the dehumanizing aspects of job loss, nearly 85 percent of the nation’s 2.96 million unemployed said they “agreed somewhat” or “agreed strongly” with the statement, “I am [Read More]

Consumer Reports Says Consumer Reports Unsafe

<i>Consumer Reports</i> Says <i>Consumer Reports</i> Unsafe

Yonkers, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Consumer Reports today issued a product safety warning on Consumer Reports, saying the popular magazine can easily overturn, has been linked to numerous hand lacerations, and is highly flammable. In its August 2001 issue, the respected [Read More]

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles (SatireWire.com) – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the largest ISP to someday declare bankruptcy. In the press [Read More]

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly 430,000 National Guard troops to patrol the streets of major American [Read More]

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out its own discount Internet service this fall, offering [Read More]

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,” and instead measure success by calculating [Read More]

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Brian Hogan, a perennial Wall Street bear who has been predicting a stock market decline since early 1997, is acting like a complete ass now that he appears to be right. “What’s up guys, why all the sad faces?” Hogan [Read More]

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Chicago, Ill. (SatireWire.com – The nation’s rapidly growing army of unemployed breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday after Chicago Fed Chief Michael Moskow announced that the U.S. economy is not in a recession. “This just goes to show you that [Read More]

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Philadelphia, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – In a study that has infuriated business and public relations executives, University of Pennsylvania researchers concluded the reason many companies falter is not due to the economy, increases in material costs, or wage pressures, [Read More]

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Kozmo.com, which promises quick delivery of food, music, videos and more, pledged to match the immediacy of its urban delivery service by laying off its employees in under an hour. “Kozmo has prided itself on combining the [Read More]

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CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

CELEBRITY SIGHTING: REX TILLERSON SPOTTED IN ASIA!

TOKYO (SatireWire.com) – Reclusive CEO-turned-Secretary-of-State Rex Tillerson has been spotted in Asia cozying up [Read More]

CANCER ENDORSES REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN

CANCER ENDORSES REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republicans picked up a major endorsement today as the world’s leading patient-based health [Read More]

U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ABUSING ITS POWER

U.S. FISH & WILDLIFE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ABUSING ITS POWER

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Overlooked as scandals swirl around other agencies, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service said today it [Read More]

SHEEPISH APPLE ADMITS IT CHARGES CHAFFETZ $10K/YR FOR HIS IPHONE

SHEEPISH APPLE ADMITS IT CHARGES CHAFFETZ $10K/YR FOR HIS IPHONE

CUPERTINO, CA (SatireWire.com) -- A contrite Apple Inc. today admitted it was to blame for the suggestion by Rep. Jason [Read More]

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