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Consumer Reports Says Consumer Reports Unsafe

<i>Consumer Reports</i> Says <i>Consumer Reports</i> Unsafe

Yonkers, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Consumer Reports today issued a product safety warning on Consumer Reports, saying the popular magazine can easily overturn, has been linked to numerous hand lacerations, and is highly flammable. In its August 2001 issue, the respected [Read More]

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles (SatireWire.com) – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the largest ISP to someday declare bankruptcy. In the press [Read More]

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly 430,000 National Guard troops to patrol the streets of major American [Read More]

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out its own discount Internet service this fall, offering [Read More]

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,” and instead measure success by calculating [Read More]

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Brian Hogan, a perennial Wall Street bear who has been predicting a stock market decline since early 1997, is acting like a complete ass now that he appears to be right. “What’s up guys, why all the sad faces?” Hogan [Read More]

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Chicago, Ill. (SatireWire.com – The nation’s rapidly growing army of unemployed breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday after Chicago Fed Chief Michael Moskow announced that the U.S. economy is not in a recession. “This just goes to show you that [Read More]

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Philadelphia, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – In a study that has infuriated business and public relations executives, University of Pennsylvania researchers concluded the reason many companies falter is not due to the economy, increases in material costs, or wage pressures, [Read More]

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Kozmo.com, which promises quick delivery of food, music, videos and more, pledged to match the immediacy of its urban delivery service by laying off its employees in under an hour. “Kozmo has prided itself on combining the [Read More]

Tiny Net Company Insists It’s a Goddamned Bellwether

Tiny Net Company Insists It’s a Goddamned Bellwether

Wausau, Wis. (SatireWire.com) – Bart Garmon, president and chief executive officer of BartGarmon.com, a now solo Web design shop that is shedding employees and quickly running out of cash, insists his ailing firm should be considered an “Internet [Read More]

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Latest Topics

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

SURVEY: MOST AMERICANS OK WITH YOU BEING QUARANTINED

NEW JERSEY (SatireWire.com) – A new poll shows nine in 10 Americans support a mandatory quarantine for someone who [Read More]

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, [Read More]

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical [Read More]

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson [Read More]

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed [Read More]

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