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Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly 430,000 National Guard troops to patrol the streets of major American [Read More]

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out its own discount Internet service this fall, offering [Read More]

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,” and instead measure success by calculating [Read More]

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Brian Hogan, a perennial Wall Street bear who has been predicting a stock market decline since early 1997, is acting like a complete ass now that he appears to be right. “What’s up guys, why all the sad faces?” Hogan [Read More]

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Chicago, Ill. (SatireWire.com – The nation’s rapidly growing army of unemployed breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday after Chicago Fed Chief Michael Moskow announced that the U.S. economy is not in a recession. “This just goes to show you that [Read More]

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Philadelphia, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – In a study that has infuriated business and public relations executives, University of Pennsylvania researchers concluded the reason many companies falter is not due to the economy, increases in material costs, or wage pressures, [Read More]

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Kozmo.com, which promises quick delivery of food, music, videos and more, pledged to match the immediacy of its urban delivery service by laying off its employees in under an hour. “Kozmo has prided itself on combining the [Read More]

Tiny Net Company Insists It’s a Goddamned Bellwether

Tiny Net Company Insists It’s a Goddamned Bellwether

Wausau, Wis. (SatireWire.com) – Bart Garmon, president and chief executive officer of BartGarmon.com, a now solo Web design shop that is shedding employees and quickly running out of cash, insists his ailing firm should be considered an “Internet [Read More]

Californians Start Email Campaign for Energy Conservation

Californians Start Email Campaign for Energy Conservation

Sacramento, Cal. (SatireWire.com) – Californians, faced with an energy crisis fueled by high-tech power consumption, have launched an email campaign urging fellow computer users to stay off their computers. Days after the state issued its first-ever Stage 3 Power [Read More]

CEO Surprises Employees

CEO Surprises Employees

Denver, Colo (SatireWire.com) – As the CEO of b2b software firm Archimetrix, Janine Radcliffe had a serious new economy problem. Despite organizing action teams to implement action plans, despite reducing the company’s mantra into a single, digestible sound-bite [Read More]

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CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”

In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I [Read More]

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

SPOILER ALERT: UN REPORT RUINS END OF GLOBAL WARMING DRAMA

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Global warming followers the world over were outraged today after the U.N. failed to [Read More]

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

INSIDE THE INSIDE THE INSIDE OF THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PROCESS

“People think it’s some grand, mysterious process, but honestly it’s not,” says one Yale University admissions [Read More]

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

RUSSIA TO ANNEX ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

MOSCOW (SatireWire.com) -- After claiming the right to seize Crimea because of its Russian heritage, President Vladimir [Read More]

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

WORLD LEADERS STAND UP TO PUTIN IN THEIR MINDS

KIEV, UKRAINE (SatireWire.com) -- Leaders from Europe and the United States today declared time was up on Russian [Read More]

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