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85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

85 Percent of Nation’s 2.9 Million Jobless Say They’re Not Just Statistic

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a new Gallup poll on the dehumanizing aspects of job loss, nearly 85 percent of the nation’s 2.96 million unemployed said they “agreed somewhat” or “agreed strongly” with the statement, “I am [Read More]

Consumer Reports Says Consumer Reports Unsafe

<i>Consumer Reports</i> Says <i>Consumer Reports</i> Unsafe

Yonkers, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Consumer Reports today issued a product safety warning on Consumer Reports, saying the popular magazine can easily overturn, has been linked to numerous hand lacerations, and is highly flammable. In its August 2001 issue, the respected [Read More]

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Juno, NetZero Merger to Create Largest ISP To Someday Declare Bankruptcy

Los Angeles (SatireWire.com) – Struggling rivals Juno Online and NetZero announced a $70 million merger Thursday, instantly creating what will be the nation’s No. 2 Internet access provider, and the largest ISP to someday declare bankruptcy. In the press [Read More]

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Exxon Mobil Declares Martial Law

Dallas, Texas (SatireWire.com) – Exxon Mobil Chief Executive Lee Raymond yesterday declared martial law in the United States, an act that automatically suspended the Bill of Rights and forced nearly 430,000 National Guard troops to patrol the streets of major American [Read More]

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Earth to Wal-Mart…

Fayetteville, Ark. (SatireWire.com) – Emerging from the deep, isolated cavern where its executives apparently have been hibernating for the past two years, Wal-Mart Friday proudly announced it will roll out its own discount Internet service this fall, offering [Read More]

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Dean Witter to Measure Success By Tracking Revenues, Expenses

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – After a three-year battle, the Securities & Exchange Commission today ordered brokerage firm Morgan Stanley Dean Witter to stop measuring success “one investor at a time,” and instead measure success by calculating [Read More]

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

Longtime Bear Thinks He’s Hot Shit Now

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Brian Hogan, a perennial Wall Street bear who has been predicting a stock market decline since early 1997, is acting like a complete ass now that he appears to be right. “What’s up guys, why all the sad faces?” Hogan [Read More]

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Debt-Ridden Unemployed Relieved to Learn U.S. Not In Recession

Chicago, Ill. (SatireWire.com – The nation’s rapidly growing army of unemployed breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday after Chicago Fed Chief Michael Moskow announced that the U.S. economy is not in a recession. “This just goes to show you that [Read More]

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Companies May Be to Blame For Their Poor Performances

Philadelphia, Pa. (SatireWire.com) – In a study that has infuriated business and public relations executives, University of Pennsylvania researchers concluded the reason many companies falter is not due to the economy, increases in material costs, or wage pressures, [Read More]

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

Kozmo.com to Lay Off Staff in Under an Hour

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Kozmo.com, which promises quick delivery of food, music, videos and more, pledged to match the immediacy of its urban delivery service by laying off its employees in under an hour. “Kozmo has prided itself on combining the [Read More]

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PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

PUTIN-OBAMA MEMES

(SatireWire.com) After doing his part to swing the U.S. election for Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin has [Read More]

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

TRUMP APPOINTS ANGRY, RACIST COFFEE MUG TO TRANSITION TEAM

NEW YORK, NY (SatireWire.com) - In the latest staff shakeup, President-elect Donald Trump today reportedly replaced key [Read More]

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

ELECTION CHANGES POLITICAL LANDSCAPE INSIDE MARRIAGE

RICHMOND, VA – Donald Trump’s shock election has dramatically shifted the political landscape in the home of [Read More]

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

AMERICANS DESPERATELY TRYING TO REMEMBER ELECTION SAFE WORD

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Pushed to the limits of pain by an election that was initially entertaining but [Read More]

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

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