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Martha Stewart Says Laws Only Apply To People

Martha Stewart Says Laws Only Apply To People

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – In a deft legal maneuver, lawyers representing Martha Stewart todaydemanded that investigations of the uber domestician be dropped, pointing out that U.S. securities laws only prohibit insider trading committed by humans. Attorneys [Read More]

Your Work Habits Explained

Your Work Habits Explained

New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) – Stick with us for a moment while we explain your situation. According to the latest jobless statistics, 6 percent of Americans are unemployed, meaning that 94 percent are employed, or at least not complaining. If we assume this 94 [Read More]

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh. In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company [Read More]

Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs

Amazon Turns Profit, Say Flying Pigs

Seattle, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Pigs flying over the frozen landscape of hell reported that online retailer Amazon.com turned in the first profit in its history on Tuesday, just moments after the sun set in the East. “Amazon is proud to announce that in our [Read More]

Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen

Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen

Chicago (SatireWire.com) – Ailing retail giant Kmart today announced it would not have to declare bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of company finances whatsoever. “Our previous accounting [Read More]

AP, Reuters in Pitched Spelling Battle

AP, Reuters in Pitched Spelling Battle

London (SatireWire.com) – The war for Afghanistan intensified today as rival factions from Reuters and the Associated Press launched vicious attacks against one another over whether the United States is fighting Osama bin Laden’s al Qaeda network, or Osama bin [Read More]

World Bank Wants to Help Afghans Amass Staggering Debt Burden

World Bank Wants to Help Afghans Amass Staggering Debt Burden

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The World Bank this week said it plans to extend loans to rebuild Afghanistan once a new government is installed, a pledge bank officials and Afghan opposition leaders agree virtually ensures that the war-torn country’s [Read More]

Airline’s New “Fly, Goddamnit” Campaign Not Taking Off

Airline’s New “Fly, Goddamnit” Campaign Not Taking Off

Chicago (SatireWire.com) – Marketing executives from United Airlines said today they are still searching for just the right tone to lure the public back into the skies after their new “Fly, Goddamnit” ad campaign was an immediate failure with consumers. [Read More]

Lucent Stays Focused on Losing Money

Lucent Stays Focused on Losing Money

Murray Hill, N.J. (SatireWire.com) – In the most hopeful sign yet that the American economy may be returning to normal, Lucent Technologies posted another staggering quarterly loss on Tuesday. Lucent CEO Henry Schacht said posting the $8.8 billion net loss, its fourth [Read More]

MCI Offers New “Friends and Family and FBI” Plan

MCI Offers New “Friends and Family and FBI” Plan

Clinton, Miss. (SatireWire.com) – Promising to save you money on the calls you make the most, MCI today unveiled its new “Friends and Family and FBI” plan, allowing customers to add any branch office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation to their circle [Read More]

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PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s [Read More]

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously [Read More]

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as [Read More]

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