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SMALL INVESTORS URGED TO LEAVE PANIC TO PROFESSIONALS

SMALL INVESTORS URGED TO LEAVE PANIC TO PROFESSIONALS

“Market watchers blame much of last week’s sell-off on institutional investors. Some mutual fund managers are selling out to raise cash just in case more individual investors cash out in the future.” – Detroit Free Press, 9/22/01 “Last week, [Read More]

LAID OFF SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS SELF FROM BUILDING

LAID OFF SECURITY GUARD ESCORTS SELF FROM BUILDING

Watches Himself “Like Hawk” to Make Sure No Corporate Secrets Stolen San Francisco (SatireWire.com) – Thirty-two-year-old security guard Eddie Dupree, laid off yesterday from semiconductor firm Broadcom, gave himself an hour to gather his personal effects [Read More]

FACTORY ORDERS PLUNGE; “MOST CONSUMERS CAN’T AFFORD FACTORIES” CITED AS POSSIBLE REASON

FACTORY ORDERS PLUNGE; “MOST CONSUMERS CAN’T AFFORD FACTORIES” CITED AS POSSIBLE REASON

“Factory Orders Plunge 7.5 Percent” – AP Headline, 9/01/00 Factories Also Can’t Be Purchased Online, Say Analysts WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The Commerce Department yesterday reported that U.S. factory orders plunged a record 7.5 [Read More]

MICROSOFT WILL ADMIT TO AFFAIR WITH LEWINSKY

MICROSOFT WILL ADMIT TO AFFAIR WITH LEWINSKY

Company, Like President, Indiscreet; Should Get Same Killer Deal, Says Ballmer Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) – Only hours after President Clinton struck a deal to avoid prosecution by admitting he lied in court about Monica Lewinsky, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer [Read More]

FED DROPS INTEREST RATES, ACID AT POLICY RAVE

FED DROPS INTEREST RATES, ACID AT POLICY RAVE

Federal Reserve Not So Reserved Anymore Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Proving the Federal Reserve is anything but reserved, U.S. central bank governors this week announced they had dropped interest rates, their pants, and 162 tabs of acid and Ecstasy during what [Read More]

THE JOB FAIRY: ONE FAIRY YOU DON’T WANT TO MEET

THE JOB FAIRY: ONE FAIRY YOU DON’T WANT TO MEET

At Balmerton Industries, They’re Doing Some Weird Shit Albany, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – Mitch Gruleman sighs as only a burly, bearded man dressed in a white taffeta fairy costume and wielding a 3-pound wooden wand can sigh. “C’mon Poledo, let me [Read More]

BOLD “NEW ECONOMY” DESERVES BOLD “NEW RECESSION”

BOLD “NEW ECONOMY” DESERVES BOLD “NEW RECESSION”

Network Efficiencies Could Lead to Prolonged “Dream Recession,” Say Experts CAMBRIDGE, MASS. (SatireWire.com) – Economic theorists and high tech executives today predicted a downturn in the unprecedented New Economy will produce an equally successful [Read More]

COMPANIES RETOOLING FOR GINGER-BASED ECONOMY

COMPANIES RETOOLING FOR GINGER-BASED ECONOMY

Intel Wants to Form Gintel Alliance; Greenspan Warns of “Ginger Bubble” MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – Although only a handful of people know the secret identity of “Ginger” – a product that reportedly will be “more important [Read More]

NEW HMO STRATEGY: PAY HEALTH CLAIMS

NEW HMO STRATEGY: PAY HEALTH CLAIMS

Analysts Skeptical; Doubt Insurers Equipped to Handle Job MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. (SatireWire.com) – Moving into what insurance executives concede is “uncharted territory,” five of the nation’s leading HMOs announced yesterday they will begin paying [Read More]

CONSULTANCY WINS “E-GURGITATE” AWARD

CONSULTANCY WINS “E-GURGITATE” AWARD

Firm Issues 1000th Study on How Big Corporations Lag the Internet STAMFORD, CONN. (SatireWire.com) – Consulting firm META Group made history today after an independent panel of judges confirmed its new report — E-Reality Sets In — was the 1,000th study to [Read More]

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Latest Topics

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES: THE BRUTALLY IMPARTIAL UPDATE

MANCHESTER, N.H. (SatireWire.com) – The presidential candidates spread out across New Hampshire today after Texas [Read More]

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

REPORT CONFIRMS POOREST HALF OF WORLD PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRYING

OXFORD, U.K. (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claims just 62 individuals control as much wealth as half the world’s [Read More]

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

MELTING ARCTIC ICE EXPOSES ANCIENT, OMINOUS MESSAGE

GREENLAND (SatireWire.com) -- Scientists today said ice melt in the Arctic is perhaps much worse than previously [Read More]

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

AMERICANS RUSH TO BUY MORE GUNS THAT WILL BE TAKEN AWAY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Fearing that President Obama’s executive action on gun control will lead to [Read More]

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

TRUMP TAKES CRAP ON STAGE AS WORDS TAKE SOLID FORM

CLEMSON, S.C. (SatireWire.com) -- Donald Trump’s increasingly toxic rhetoric reached its natural conclusion today as [Read More]

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