Business
FISH IN GULF HAIL DEAL, BUT PREFER TO EAT BP EXECUTIVES, THANKS
OFF NEW ORLEANS, LA. (SatireWire.com) -- Marine wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico say they are pleased BP was found guilty in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, but have declined to accept the $4.5 billion penalty, saying they’d rather just eat the BP executives, thanks. [Read More]
JOB NUMBERS MORE FUCKING CONFUSING THAN EXPECTED
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The unemployment rate in September dropped to 7.8 percent while manufacturing job losses rose and temporary jobs declined and total jobs rose, numbers that analysts said are way more fucking confusing than expected. [Read More]
AMERICAN AIRLINES REBRANDS LOOSE SEATS AS ‘FLEXISEATS’
DALLAS, TX (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to rows of seats that came loose in flight, American Airlines today said it has inspected nearly 50 of its Boeing 757s and concluded the seats that tip back offer 68 percent more leg- and headroom and will now be considered an upgrade. [Read More]
UNIVERSITIES OFFER NEW “BACHELOR OF WHATEVER” DEGREE
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) -- Sensitive to claims they no longer prepare students for the real world, universities across the country today unveiled a new type of degree – the Bachelor of Whatever (B.W.), where students select their own courses, track their own [Read More]
U.S. BOSSES BRACING TO BE TOLD TO FUCK OFF BY LOTTERY WINNER
ATLANTA (SatireWire.com) -- As Americans turn out in droves to purchase tickets for Friday’s $640 million lottery drawing, the nation’s managers, supervisors, and administrators are bracing themselves for someone to walk through their door Monday morning and tell them [Read More]
GAS-PRICE PROTESTER CAN’T AFFORD TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE
LOS ANGELES, CA (SatireWire.com) – A desperate 33-year-old man attempting to set himself on fire to protest rising gas prices abandoned his demonstration today after he was unable to afford the gallon of fuel needed to douse himself and light a match. [Read More]
GOVT ADMITS IT AIMED RULE AT ONE PARTICULARLY HOT CATHOLIC NURSE
WASHINGTON (SatireWire.com) – The administration today backed off a requirement that religious employers provide birth control coverage after conceding the entire rule was actually written in a government attempt to hook up with a particularly hot 23-year-old Catholic [Read More]
ANALYSIS SHOWS EVERY SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL WAS PRO-OBAMA
NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) -- It is entirely true, as Republicans claim, that Chrysler’s “Halftime in America” commercial, run during the Super Bowl and starring Clint Eastwood, was blatantly pro-Obama. After all, “halftime” clearly refers to it being halfway [Read More]
VIDEO SHOWS BAIN EXECUTIVES URINATING ON LAID-OFF WORKERS
COLUMBIA, S.C. (SatireWire.com) – Efforts to paint Mitt Romney as a heartless corporate raider were reinforced today after a 1992 videotape surfaced showing Bain Capital executives urinating on helpless, laid-off workers. [Read More]
CHINA TO MANUFACTURE CHEAPER AMERICAN BABIES
BEIJING (SatireWire.com) – In a further blow to U.S. manufacturing, China today announced it will produce American babies at one-tenth the cost of its U.S. counterparts. [Read More]
