Business
STRONG SALES PROVE AMERICANS WOULD RATHER DIE IN A CHEVROLET
DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – Despite breaking industry records for safety recalls, General Motors this week announced monthly sales continue to rise, leading the nation’s No. 1 automaker to declare that more Americans would rather die in a new GM car than any other car in [Read More]
GM SPLITS INTO SEPARATE CAR-MAKING, CAR-RECALLING DIVISIONS
DETROIT (SatireWire.com) – General Motors today announced it will split into separate car-making and car-recalling divisions to solidify its position as the world’s largest auto recaller. [Read More]
CHEVY COBALT: “I HAVE A DISABILITY, NOT A DEFECT”
In the last several days I have been called everything from “flawed” to “tragically dangerous,” and it hurts. I am not defective. I simply have a genetic disability. I was born with it, and you should respect me as a vehicle instead of resorting to intolerant, [Read More]
NEW AMAZON STRATEGY RANDOMLY CHARGES YOUR CREDIT CARD
SEATTLE (SatireWire.com) – Breaking new ground yet again, online pioneer Amazon today unveiled a revolutionary plan to streamline the transaction process by randomly charging stuff to your credit card whenever it wants. [Read More]
NOW YOU CAN EAT THANKSGIVING DINNER AT WALMART
BENTONVILLE, ARK. (SatireWire.com) – An unapologetic Walmart today announced Black Friday sales will begin during Thanksgiving dinner and invited customers to eat the meal in their stores, arguing that spending the holiday with rude, ill-dressed, socially awkward [Read More]
FLORIDA’S NEWEST AMUSEMENT PARK: “SINKHOLELAND”
DADE CITY, FL (SatireWire.com) – Cinderella’s Missing Castle, Unnerving Journey to the Center of the Earth, Pirates of the Caribbeneath, Spelunk-a-Dunk – the rides at Florida’s SinkholeLand Amusement Park are finally open for business. Wide open, in fact. [Read More]
POWERBALL DROPS NUMBERS FOR SHAPES AS MATH STANDARDS FALL
WEST DES MOINES, IA (SatireWire.com) – Keeping up with declining math standards in the United States, Powerball today announced it has abandoned numbers and will instead use balls painted with 59 familiar colors and shapes. [Read More]
FISH IN GULF HAIL DEAL, BUT PREFER TO EAT BP EXECUTIVES, THANKS
OFF NEW ORLEANS, LA. (SatireWire.com) -- Marine wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico say they are pleased BP was found guilty in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, but have declined to accept the $4.5 billion penalty, saying they’d rather just eat the BP executives, thanks. [Read More]
JOB NUMBERS MORE FUCKING CONFUSING THAN EXPECTED
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The unemployment rate in September dropped to 7.8 percent while manufacturing job losses rose and temporary jobs declined and total jobs rose, numbers that analysts said are way more fucking confusing than expected. [Read More]
AMERICAN AIRLINES REBRANDS LOOSE SEATS AS ‘FLEXISEATS’
DALLAS, TX (SatireWire.com) -- Reacting to rows of seats that came loose in flight, American Airlines today said it has inspected nearly 50 of its Boeing 757s and concluded the seats that tip back offer 68 percent more leg- and headroom and will now be considered an upgrade. [Read More]
