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U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. [Read More]

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

(SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. [Read More]

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

(SatireWire.com) -- Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. [Read More]

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing. [Read More]

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan's attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, [Read More]

CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY

CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Public health officials sheathed the Capitol Dome in a 55,000-square-foot latex condom today, explaining that if Congress is going to screw the country, it should at least do so responsibly. [Read More]

GIDDY GOP NOW WANTS REPEAL OF CIVIL RIGHTS ACT, TREATY OF GHENT

GIDDY GOP NOW WANTS REPEAL OF CIVIL RIGHTS ACT, TREATY OF GHENT

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Giddy after successfully shutting down government over a 2010 health care law they dislike, Republicans today said the White House must also now agree to repeal the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the National Banking Act of 1863, and the [Read More]

CONGRESS RECLASSIFIES MISSISSIPPI RIVER AS PLANET

CONGRESS RECLASSIFIES MISSISSIPPI RIVER AS PLANET

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In attempt to refute accusations it has lost touch with reality, Congress today reclassified the Mississippi River as a planet and gave itself until midnight tonight to find the nation’s tallest pigeon. [Read More]

U.S. DIPLOMAT EXPLAINS WHY SYRIAN CIVILIANS MUST KEEP DYING

U.S. DIPLOMAT EXPLAINS WHY SYRIAN CIVILIANS MUST KEEP DYING

(SatireWire.com) – U.S. State Department transcript of a cell phone call between Palmer Greavey, Under Deputy Secretary for the Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of State for Middle Eastern Affairs, and a 29-year-old civilian identified as Hassam. [Read More]

ARIEL CASTRO HANGS SELF AFTER NOT GETTING ‘50 SHADES’ LEAD

ARIEL CASTRO HANGS SELF AFTER NOT GETTING ‘50 SHADES’ LEAD

CLEVELAND, OHIO (SatireWire.com) -- Convicted kidnapper and sexual abuser Ariel Castro hanged himself in his prison cell late Tuesday only hours after learning he had failed to land the leading role in the film adaptation of bondage novel, ‘50 Shades of Grey’. [Read More]

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NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM

NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANETS SEEM TO BE UNHAPPY WE FOUND THEM

LIEGE, BELGIUM (SatireWire.com) -- In an astounding development, scientists say the seven newly discovered exoplanets [Read More]

TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+

TRUMP VOWS NOT TO DEPORT ILLEGALS WHO RATE 8+

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In what it called a "show of great compassion," the Trump administration today [Read More]

GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS

GOP APPROVES ABORTION IN DEMOCRATIC DISTRICTS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In what they called a historic compromise, Republicans in Congress today said they [Read More]

CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS

CONGRESSIONAL COAT-CHECK NOW ALSO ACCEPTING BALLS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The congressional cloakroom, where representatives and senators traditionally [Read More]

FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE

FENCE JUMPER ARRESTED TRYING TO BREAK OUT OF WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- The U.S. Secret Service today apprehended a man they said was attempting to scale [Read More]

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