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FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY

FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY

PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) -- The holiday spirit has worked its wondrous ways on the Joleen family of Philadelphia, who report that since Christmas break began, they’re telling each other to fuck off much less often. [Read More]

ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX

ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX

CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets. [Read More]

U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. [Read More]

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

(SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. [Read More]

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES

(SatireWire.com) -- Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. [Read More]

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing. [Read More]

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan's attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, [Read More]

CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY

CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Public health officials sheathed the Capitol Dome in a 55,000-square-foot latex condom today, explaining that if Congress is going to screw the country, it should at least do so responsibly. [Read More]

GIDDY GOP NOW WANTS REPEAL OF CIVIL RIGHTS ACT, TREATY OF GHENT

GIDDY GOP NOW WANTS REPEAL OF CIVIL RIGHTS ACT, TREATY OF GHENT

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Giddy after successfully shutting down government over a 2010 health care law they dislike, Republicans today said the White House must also now agree to repeal the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the National Banking Act of 1863, and the [Read More]

CONGRESS RECLASSIFIES MISSISSIPPI RIVER AS PLANET

CONGRESS RECLASSIFIES MISSISSIPPI RIVER AS PLANET

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In attempt to refute accusations it has lost touch with reality, Congress today reclassified the Mississippi River as a planet and gave itself until midnight tonight to find the nation’s tallest pigeon. [Read More]

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Latest Topics

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

HOBBY LOBBY DECLARES MIDWEST ARTS & CRAFTS CALIPHATE

OKLAHOMA CITY (SatireWire.com) -- In a brutal and stunning offensive, thousands of Hobby Lobby employees and customers, [Read More]

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

FAKE DRUG COMPANIES RACING TO CREATE PHONY EBOLA VACCINE

NASHVILLE (SatireWire.com) -- With the world in a near-panic, fake pharmaceutical companies and Internet ‘medical [Read More]

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

SECRET SERVICE HEAD RESIGNS; OBAMA ‘PSYCHED’ TO SLEEP W/O GUN

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- President Obama accepted the resignation of Secret Service Director Julia Pierson [Read More]

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

SCOTS VOTE TO STAY IN UK; “YES” VOTERS TO BE HANGED AS REBELS

LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- Declaring the rebels “will pay with their lives,” Queen Elizabeth II today revealed [Read More]

GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH

GOD DEFENDS SCENES OF SEX, VIOLENCE IN LIFE ON EARTH

EDINBURGH (SatireWire.com) – The Lord God Almighty, executive producer of the long-running Life on Earth, has [Read More]

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