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GOD EXPLAINS ABOUT THE KATY PERRY ‘BIG BOOBS’ THING
OK, OK, I know. Why would I answer Katy Perry’s prayers and ignore the pleas of people who are hungry or homeless or dying? Why would I grant her youthful request to have bigger breasts when instead I could save a child here or a village there? But hey, in my defense, [Read More]
WORLD’S RICHEST 85 INSULTED BY COMPARISON TO WORLD’S POOR HALF
LONDON (SatireWire.com) -- A new report claiming the 85 richest people on Earth have the same wealth as the entire bottom half of the world’s population has caused outrage among the top 85, who insist the measurement is misleading because their stuff is much nicer. [Read More]
MAN HAILED FOR NOT SHOOTING ANYONE
COLUMBIA, MO. (SatireWire.com) -- A local man is being hailed as a hero today for not shooting anyone despite living in an area with a shopping mall, two schools, a movie theater, an IRS office and a former workplace. [Read More]
AND NOW YOUR NEW JERSEY RETALIATORY TRAFFIC REPORT
In Woodbridge we’ve got very heavy delays at the 1 and 9 merge due to lane closures caused by a local senator’s opposition to the Governor’s budget, and in Morris County we have a 5-mile backup on the Garden State Parkway approaching the Toms River tolls due to a [Read More]
COLORADO GIGGLING FOR MORE THAN A WEEK NOW
DENVER (SatireWire.com) – More than one week after officially legalizing marijuana, Colorado insisted today it was “totally in control,” although the state conceded it has been giggling nonstop since Thursday and may have eaten half of Nebraska during a munchie run. [Read More]
FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY
PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) -- The holiday spirit has worked its wondrous ways on the Joleen family of Philadelphia, who report that since Christmas break began, they’re telling each other to fuck off much less often. [Read More]
ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX
CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets. [Read More]
U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS
WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. [Read More]
JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE
(SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. [Read More]
FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES
(SatireWire.com) -- Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. [Read More]
