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AND NOW YOUR NEW JERSEY RETALIATORY TRAFFIC REPORT
In Woodbridge we’ve got very heavy delays at the 1 and 9 merge due to lane closures caused by a local senator’s opposition to the Governor’s budget, and in Morris County we have a 5-mile backup on the Garden State Parkway approaching the Toms River tolls due to a [Read More]
COLORADO GIGGLING FOR MORE THAN A WEEK NOW
DENVER (SatireWire.com) – More than one week after officially legalizing marijuana, Colorado insisted today it was “totally in control,” although the state conceded it has been giggling nonstop since Thursday and may have eaten half of Nebraska during a munchie run. [Read More]
FAMILY CREDITS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT FOR FEWER “FUCK OFFS” LATELY
PHILADELPHIA (SatireWire.com) -- The holiday spirit has worked its wondrous ways on the Joleen family of Philadelphia, who report that since Christmas break began, they’re telling each other to fuck off much less often. [Read More]
ANGRY AT WASTING $ ON VITAMINS, AMERICANS TURN TO LOTTERY TIX
CHICAGO (SatireWire.com) – From antibacterial soap to vitamins, Americans across the country are outraged that they’ve been wasting their hard-earned money on something not guaranteed to work, said Americans across the country waiting in line to buy lottery tickets. [Read More]
U.S. STUDENTS SAY MATH TESTS UNFAIRLY INCLUDE MATH QUESTIONS
WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) — U.S. high school students, whose recent math and science scores again fell behind their international peers, claim the tests are inherently unfair as they include questions on math and science, neither of which is their strong suit. [Read More]
JFK: PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE
(SatireWire.com) – So, today the entire country is observing the 50th anniversary of the day I was assassinated. In other words, out of every day I was on Earth, out of every day I was in office, you people focus on the single worst day of my life. Thanks. Thanks so much. [Read More]
FROM OBAMACARE TO ABE-OLITION: LANDMARK LAW ROLLOUT FAILURES
(SatireWire.com) -- Americans are furious over the inept rollout of Obamacare, but landmark legislation has a history of early backfires. Even the Emancipation Proclamation stuttered, initially succeeding only in emancipating a horse and a couple of chickens. [Read More]
U.N. TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ‘GREATEST NATION ON EARTH’ JOB
NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) – The United Nations today admitted it has begun accepting applications for the job of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” a position the United States seems intent on losing. [Read More]
U.S. OFFERS TO WASH DISHES, MOW LAWNS TO PAY OFF BILL
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In an effort to reassure nervous creditors, the U.S. today unveiled a backup plan for paying off its debts, promising to wash 100 trillion dishes as well clean out Taiwan's attic, babysit for Switzerland, and mow China’s lawn for, [Read More]
CONGRESS FITTED WITH CONDOM SO IT CAN SCREW AMERICA SAFELY
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Public health officials sheathed the Capitol Dome in a 55,000-square-foot latex condom today, explaining that if Congress is going to screw the country, it should at least do so responsibly. [Read More]
