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Big Tobacco Can't Afford Verdict;
Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

Miami, Fla. (SatireWire.com) — Tobacco companies insisted today the record $145 billion verdict against them will bankrupt the industry, but victorious plaintiffs refused to let the enemy off the hook and declared they will buy more cigarettes to keep the defendants in business. "They think they're pulling a fast one with this bankruptcy strategy," said a wheezing Clement Dursley, the plaintiffs' spokesman. "But we're all going to up our habits to ten packs a day. Those bastards will be swimming in money, and we want our share of the pool." Attorneys for both the defendants and the plaintiffs denied they were behind the smokers' resolution.

MORE FROM BRIEFS ARCHIVE #2

¤ Big Tobacco Can't Afford Verdict; Smokers Must Buy More Cigarettes

¤ Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times

¤ CDNow Wins Patent on "Money-Losing Business Model"

¤ DrKoop.com Ordered To Display Warning Label

¤ IMF Rate Hike Suggestion Proves Hike Not Needed

¤ OPEC Relents, Will "Suck Earth Dry"

¤ New Web Site for Those Without Net Access

¤ Airlines "Disappointed" by Mid-Air Merger Test

¤ "Love Bug" Is "Worm," Hackers "Twits

¤ Priceline Launches "Name Price for Bail"

¤ StarMedia, "AOL of Latin America," Unveils Busy Signals

¤ MP3 to Steal, Sell Your Stuff

¤ Tears Shed on Emotional Day for Stocks

¤ Consumer Confidence Falls; Teens Questioned

¤ AOL Profits from Gumboless Space

¤ FBI Targets Paranoid

¤ Kellogg's Nailed for "Bundling"

¤ Free Computers Not Free; Nation's Idiots in Denial

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