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Lucent Finds New COO
On Stock Message Boards

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Lucent Technologies today announced it has ended its search for a new chief operating officer with the surprise hiring of Stockpicker_Dude_78, a frequent poster on various Lucent stock message boards. "We interviewed about 20 people, most from major corporations, but Stockpicker_Dude stood out," said Lucent CEO Richard McGinn. "For instance, when we asked this one CFO about working for Lucent, she said she would be 'honored to join such a progressive company,'" McGinn recalled. "But Stockpicker_Dude's response — 'This stock will be $100+ by end of month! Shorts cover your asses!' — was much more spirited."

In a brief statement, Stockpicker_Dude said he heard Lucent was a major takeover target, and added he would be loading up on the stock in the morning.

OTHER ARCHIVE 3 BRIEFS

¤ 'I Love You' Email Recipient
   Still Waiting for Flowers, Phone Call

¤ Lucent Finds New COO on Stock Message Board

¤ Firestone Peels Back Prices in Tire Sale Blowout!

¤ Firms Hire Jerks to Improve Customer Service

¤ Analyst Predicts Dow 5,000 by 1996

¤ Bush Promises Republican Internet If Elected

¤ Wrigley Launches "Internet Bubble" Gum®

¤ Amazon Says Stock Price "Mislabeled"

¤ Post Office Leads Way in New "Paper Technology"

¤ Small Tech Stocks Fall; Big, Slow, Dumb Stocks Rise

¤ RIAA Demands End to Unauthorized Humming, Whistling

¤ Taco Bell Fires Chihuahua; New Chalupa "Tastes Funny"

¤ Fired eBay Employees Auctioned Off

¤ Starving, Dying Poor to Get Much-Needed Net Access

¤ House Sends Spam Bill to Senate; Senate Spam Filter Deletes It

¤ Yahoo Beats Analysts' Estimates, Dogs

¤ Pizza Hut-Sponsored Russian Rocket Explodes; Thin Crust Blamed

¤ Domino's-Sponsored Rocket Late, Probably Cold

¤ Greenspan: "I'm More Popular than Jesus"

¤ Windows Not a Virus

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