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Airlines Drop Arrival, Departure Times
Newark, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — Responding to a dramatic rise in complaints over flight delays, several major airlines announced today they will no longer attach "stress-inducing" numbers to arrival and departure times, but will instead use a variety of pleasant, calming nicknames. For example, Continental Airlines' 10 a.m. Newark-to-San Francisco flight will now leave at "Snookums" and arrive at "Tooey." The airlines also said they would deal with two other common complaints — lost baggage and cramped seating — by increasing leg room in their lost luggage departments.

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