BRIEFS ARCHIVE #1
VENEZUELA V. IMF, ROUND I
Caracas (Satirewire.com) — In the face of increasing pressure from the International Monetary Fund, the Venezuelan Finance Ministry announced today it has sacrificed a small mule. No further details were released.
THE GREENSPAN EFFECT
St. Louis (Satirewire.com) — Anheuser-Busch, the nation's largest alcoholic beverage producer, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly switched his drink order from a Michelob Lite to a dry martini while at a Georgetown restaurant. Olive futures soared on the news.
REPORTERS GET DRUNK, RENAME NASDAQ
New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — The National Association of Wall Street Journal and Lesser Business Reporters, frustrated that the erratic stock market precludes them from easily identifying it as bull or bear, got horribly drunk last night and unilaterally renamed the NASDAQ stock market "Dorothy Hamill," a name they promised to use in print until "a two-thirds majority" of the members sobered up.
AIRLINE CUTS COCKPIT CHATTER
Newark, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — Continental Airlines, concerned over studies linking car phone use to traffic accidents, today moved to preempt similar incidents in the sky by banning the use of all communications devices in cockpits. According to Continental, an internal study revealed that its flight crews were "continually on the radio," most often with air traffic controllers, and particularly before takeoff and landing when, said a spokesman, "they should be concentrating the most."
VENEZUELA V. IMF, ROUND II
Caracas (Satirewire.com) — In reaction to yet more pressure from the International Monetary Fund, the Venezuelan Finance Ministry announced today it has rented a small volcano and is actively soliciting virgin chickens. Responded one IMF official: "I'm starting think they don't understand our concerns."
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MEDIA METRIX CHANGES MEASUREMENT TERMS
New York, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) — Internet audience measurement firm Media Metrix, seeking to differentiate itself from competitors NetRatings and PC Data, announced yesterday it will no longer use the term "unique visitors" in reference to site traffic, but will instead use the term "poached slinky nuts." No explanation was given for the change.
GREENSPAN "FEELS GOOD"; BROWN GAINS ON NEWS
Los Angeles (Satirewire.com) — Geffen Records signed the always controversial "Godfather of Soul," James Brown, to a $94 million, two-album deal after published reports claimed Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan got out of the shower Tuesday morning and told his wife, "I feel good."
FISHER GLITCH REVEALED
Bellevue, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Due to a software glitch at popular Web site The Internet Movie Database, Carrie Fisher, star of the Disney horror movie 'Carrie,' about a family of telekenetic lions, is taller than an adult giraffe.
NEW DOMAINS UNNECESSARY
Washington, D.C. (Satirewire.com) — Contradicting the testimony of other Internet firms, Indonesia's top English-speaking adult site, TurnInToYourOwnDesire.com, told a Senate panel yesterday it was having "no trouble" registering new and valuable .com domains, citing five it had registered in the past few weeks as proof that the need for additional top-level domains is exaggerated:
VENEZUELA v. IMF ROUND III
Caracas (Satirewire.com) — Following a tense, day-long meeting yesterday between the International Monetary Fund and the Venezuelan Finance Ministry, which recently have been at odds (see stories ), the Ministry announced that all doors on bathroom stalls in its buildings will be removed immediately. Asked for reaction, an IMF official replied: "Maybe it's a language problem."
Leeds, England (SatireWire.com) — The British Beef Export Council, finally conceding it cannot guarantee the eradication of Mad Cow Disease, announced today it will discontinue cow production and instead promote the export of genetically-engineered sheep with razor-sharp, serrated edges. Consumer advocates immediately protested, arguing that serrated sheep were more dangerous than infected cows. But farmers said it's too soon to judge, as for the present, they "can't get near the fluffy bastards."
GREENSPAN NICKS SELF; RAZOR-MAKER PAYS
Boston, Mass. (Satirewire.com) — Michael C. Hawley, chairman and chief executive officer of The Gillette Company, was summarily executed this morning after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly nicked himself with a Gillette MACH3 razor.
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GM HUMS ALONG
Dearborn, Mich. (SatireWire.com) — Reacting to an alarming global warming study that blames the burning of automotive fossil fuels for increasing worldwide temperatures, General Motors announced today it will "do its part" by increasing production of Hummer convertibles.
VENEZUELA v. IMF ROUND IV
Caracas (Satirewire.com) — After several fruitless meetings between International Monetary Fund officials and the Venezuelan government, IMF managing director Michel Camdessus himself flew to Caracas yesterday to confront Venezuelan Finance Minister Umberto Mondregal. The two met on the tarmac, where a beaming Mondragal thrust a four-iron into the IMF leader's hands and whispered "Never trust a pigeon." He then left. Said Camdessus to a colleague afterward: "Maybe they just don't know what we do."
KMART UP TO DATE
Troy, Mich. (SatireWire.com) — Kmart, which this week finally launched its long-delayed online store, Bluelight.com, vowed the company will "dispel the myth" that it doesn't get the Net. "In fact, we're ahead of the curve," said Kmart CEO Charles Conaway. "For example, we'll be running commercials during next year's Super Bowl. Yes, it's true! And the flood of customers lured by those ads — combined with the river of click-thrus we expect from an extensive banner ad campaign — will allow Kmart to expand into lucrative new markets, such as push technology and online content."
GREENSPAN STUBS TOE, CHAIR PAYS
Washington, D.C. (Satirewire.com) — An 18th Century hickory rocker was condemned to Hell yesterday after Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly stubbed his toe on the chair and was unable to stifle a cry of "Goddamnit!"
Bellevue, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Due to yet another software glitch at the Internet Movie Database, Sting, the former lead singer of The Temptations who is best known for his portrayal of Kunta Kinte in the TV-movie "Roots," died in a ferryboat accident at age four.
REALISTIC DOMAIN NAMES
Marina del Rey, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — After months of heated controversy, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) announced today it has settled on 15 new top level domains to go along with .com, .net and .org. Among the new suffixes, which ICANN boasts more accurately reflect the current state of the Web:
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WARNING ISSUED VIRUS
San Francisco (SatireWire.com) — Many the major Internet security firms today issued a warning the PrepNaught virus, which comes attached an email and automatically erases prepositions all files a user's hard drive. Said a spokesman McAfee Associates: "It is great concern us."
QUAYLE 'GETS' NET
Indianapolis, Indiana (SatireWire.com) — After spending what he called "many tens of hours" on the Internet, former vice president Dan Quayle announced this morning that he 'gets it,' and has written a poem about it:
The Internet connects us all,
The short, the fat, the thin, the tall,
we buy, we sell, we learn, we grow,
dial-up, fizz-fuzz, connect, let's go!
PATENTS, SO WHAT
Whitehouse Station, N.J. (Satirewire.com) — Merck Pharmaceuticals, under heavy pressure to explain how it will deal with the loss of billions of dollars in revenue over the next few years, when four of its lucrative product patents expire, today announced they were "lousy, stupid patents anyway" and never really liked them.
GREENSPAN CLAIMS U.S. PATERNITY
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Asked to justify his tight control of the U.S. economy, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan told a Senate finance panel yesterday, "I am your father." Responded Sen. Dick Armey, R-Texas: "He is my father. And Elizabeth Dole is my sister. Somehow I know ... I've always known."
New York, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) — Online advertising network DoubleClick, under fire from the New York state attorney general for its now-scrapped plan to personally identify Web surfers and their habits through its software, denied today it ever implemented the scheme and offered to make amends by paying for online subscriptions to "any of the numerous porn sites" the attorney general frequents daily between 11:35 a.m. and 2 p.m. from his Dell XPS D300 office computer running Windows 98 and Netscape Navigator 4.6.
Palo Alto, Cal. (Satirewire.com) — Speaking before a group of investment bankers, Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina yesterday announced that unlike the chief executives at competitors Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and Sun Microsystems, she was the only one capable of doing a "herkie."
Dulles, Va. (Satirewire.com) — AOL-Time Warner today announced it will install flat-screen televisions in public restrooms, allowing visitors to watch CNN/Sports Illustrated while in stalls or standing at urinals. Analysts argued the strategy will not appeal to women, but women's groups applauded the idea. "For once," they said, "there will be lines for the men's room."
Detroit, Mich. (Satirewire.com) — The first entirely Web-enabled car rolled off General Motors' assembly line this morning, but managed to travel only six feet before coming to an unexpected stop. The car lurched forward several more times before finally seizing up after 10 yards. Said one GM engineer: "Perhaps we shouldn't have used the 56K engine."
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(Satirewire.com) — PokéMoses. Just an idea.
Washington, D.C. (Satirewire.com) — The sun, which rose this morning, will in all likelihood set this evening if, as expected, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan does not oppose it.
Dearborn, Mich. (Satirewire.com) — Details of Ford Motor's seemingly magnanimous offer to provide computers and Internet access to all its employees for just $5 a month were finally released yesterday:
($5 a month based on 99-year, closed-end lease; $2,500 due at signing. Taxes, title and destination extra. First months' payment, security deposit and acquisition fee of $595 due before delivery. Computers logging more than 12 thousand minutes will be charged at .20 per excess minute. Keyboard, mouse, monitor extra. See participating supervisor for details.)
(Satirewire.com) — Oooo, and PikaJesus. This could work.
Folsom, Cal. (Satirewire.com) — In a joint statement released this morning, the International Webmasters Association, the World Organization of Webmasters, and the National Association of Webmasters said they are distinct, fully-functional organizations and were not simply created to amuse Monty Python fans.
Purchase, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) — In an attempt to keep pace with main soft drink rival Coca-Cola and its new Chairman and CEO, Douglas Daft, PepsiCo's Chairman and CEO, Roger Enrico, said he will change his name to Roger Doodle-Brained.
New York, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) — Boasting "The Gray Lady is a lady no more," Howard Stern's Private Parts Media Corp. announced today it will buy The New York Times and rename it the New York Hot Bitch. The $980 million purchase of the venerable Times gives Private Parts three of the top 10 newspapers by circulation in the United States, including the L.A. Busty Slut (formerly the Los Angeles Times) and The Chicago Can Robin Touch Your Boobies? (formerly the Chicago Sun-Times). Stern, the celebrity shock jock-turned-media mogul, said he plans to sell off Private Parts' other local daily, I Own This Fuckin' City, (formerly the New York Daily News).
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New York, N.Y. (Satirewire.com) — The Public Relations Society of America disclosed today that it is a "cutting-edge, solutions-based" professional organization whose "dedicated, best-of-breed" members provide "mission-critical, enterprise-wide" service to the "innovative, market-leading" companies they serve.
Santa Clara, Cal. (Satirewire.com) — In its much-anticipated response to AOL's buyout of Time Warner and Turner Broadcasting, Yahoo announced this morning it will acquire actress Jane Fonda. AOL labeled the acquisition "sloppy seconds."
Atlanta (Satirewire.com) — Despite pressure from shareholders and the company's public relations department, Coca-Cola chairman and CEO Douglas Daft continues to go by the name Douglas Daft.
Kent, Conn. (Satirewire.com) — Online retailer Outpost.com, which last year ran controversial TV commercials showing gerbils being fired from a cannon, claimed today it never used actual gerbils. Instead, Outpost executives said, the company dressed week-old kittens in gerbil costumes. The company added that its current marketing campaign, which features Outpost executives burning tropical rain forests, also does not use actual gerbils.
Chicago (Satirewire.com) — United Airlines said it will fight a 9th District Appeals Court ruling yesterday that grants pilots and flight attendants the right to lead passengers in prayer during turbulence.
San Jose, Cal. (Satirewire.com) — Swedish supermodel Vendela was the surprise winner in the race for president of the International Brotherhood of Computer Hackers, the IBCH announced today. The supermodel's name was not on the 3,000 original ballots sent out to members last month, but its computers credited her with garnering 98 percent of the final vote. IBCH officials said they were "mystified" by the discrepancy, but would abide by the membership's decision.
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