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Blodget Predicts Dow to Hit 5,000 by 1996

New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Far-sighted Merrill Lynch analyst Henry Blodget, who this week boldly downgraded the battered stocks of Buy.com, DoubleClick, iVillage, eToys, Pets.com, and barnesandnoble.com — which are off an average of 86 percent this year — threw caution to the wind this morning and predicted the Dow Jones Industrial Average could hit 5,000 sometime during 1996.

In other daring predictions, Blodget said the Internet, a burgeoning network of computers scattered across the globe, will someday spawn several major companies, reinvigorate the career of washed-up actor William Shatner, and allow analysts to become celebrities for no apparent reason.

OTHER ARCHIVE 3 BRIEFS

¤ 'I Love You' Email Recipient
   Still Waiting for Flowers, Phone Call

¤ Lucent Finds New COO on Stock Message Board

¤ Firestone Peels Back Prices in Tire Sale Blowout!

¤ Firms Hire Jerks to Improve Customer Service

¤ Analyst Predicts Dow 5,000 by 1996

¤ Bush Promises Republican Internet If Elected

¤ Wrigley Launches "Internet Bubble" Gum®

¤ Amazon Says Stock Price "Mislabeled"

¤ Post Office Leads Way in New "Paper Technology"

¤ Small Tech Stocks Fall; Big, Slow, Dumb Stocks Rise

¤ RIAA Demands End to Unauthorized Humming, Whistling

¤ Taco Bell Fires Chihuahua; New Chalupa "Tastes Funny"

¤ Fired eBay Employees Auctioned Off

¤ Starving, Dying Poor to Get Much-Needed Net Access

¤ House Sends Spam Bill to Senate; Senate Spam Filter Deletes It

¤ Yahoo Beats Analysts' Estimates, Dogs

¤ Pizza Hut-Sponsored Russian Rocket Explodes; Thin Crust Blamed

¤ Domino's-Sponsored Rocket Late, Probably Cold

¤ Greenspan: "I'm More Popular than Jesus"

¤ Windows Not a Virus

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